Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you during this time we all are going through,- together 🧡
Like I mention to you,- I have open my Tinder app again after 6 months “on hold”, or “non show profile”. But I have doubts about this. Not because it’s Tinder,- I think there’s “funny stuff” in all the dating apps that exist,- but because I’m actually not sure if I want to put myself in a relationship position again, or if I’m even ready to put myself in that situation, a relationship situation 🤔.
I have been thinking a bit about my own experiences with and from, special when it comes to long term relationships,- and I don’t think I want to have it like that one more time. Because in general it’s actually not the best experiences I have in my life, or memories, or feelings….this relationship- thing. It has actually been incredibly exhausting, and it cost far too much to be in a relationship….at least for me.
But I know many relationship aren’t like that, like my experiences,- and I also have and had my own imagination and illusion about how I thought, and in way still think, a good relationship for me could and should be. It has just not been like that 🙄.
In my mind it’s about the unconditional love, but for some strange reason this love is just there in the beginning of a relationship, and little by little it disappears, and changes to a very conditional love. A change like “don’t do that, do this”,”don’t wear that clothes, wear this”,” don’t be like that, be like this”, “don’t have that opinion, have this” and so on.
In my mind a relationship it’s also about that the partners should be there for each other, support each, take a bit care of each other, respect the differences between each other,- and not try to change the person you actually fall in love with. And it is also about to actually feel that you are loved by your partner. And I have to admit that I’m not quite sure how it feels, or is experienced – to be loved by one’s partner. And it is actually not even sure I have loved my partner either. Maybe it was some other feelings involved instead? 🤔
In my mind it’s also about bringing out the best from each, for and to each other. And in my mind “each other” is “the community” a relationship is between to people that’s falls in love and are in love, and are in a relation to each other 💞. It’s about give and get, get and give.
But my experiences and my reality about relationships was a bit different then I did have in my mind, imagination and illusion 😏.
So,- probably, or maybe, my imagination and illusion about how a relationship should be is not “correct”? The reality is different? Maybe I have been living in a kind of a “fantasy- world” when it comes to my “expectations” about how a relationship should be ?
Or maybe it is me? Maybe I’m a difficult person and partner to be together with, and live together with? And I don’t bring out the best from a partner, instead more and less the opposite?
My personal and private experiences when it comes to a relationship is different then my imagination and illusion,- like I just mention. My experiences are that men wants to be taken care of, but not take care off. Men did fall in love with something they for some reason want to change. And my experience is that a man’s needs comes first,- if it’s food, clothes, what to watch at the Television, priority for workout, job, goals, dreams, – yes, more and less everything is more important for him to do, and my “job” has been to adapt to this and him. My “things” isn’t a priority.
And to be honest, unfortunately, that exactly what I have done to. Be the “correct” partner,- and in general not actually priority my “things” either. And maybe one of my mistakes when it comes to a relationship is here? That I do my best to “satisfy” and “forget” my own “needs”, dreams and goals. And I know why I do it,- because if not it has been so much conflicts, arguing and fighting, and I don’t like that very much.
For some strange reason also the economy has been changed when I have been living together with a partner. In my mind it’s should be a bit more money left when there was two incomes, two salaries, and the different expenses was paid, but it has actually been less money left. And I’m not sure how that happen 🤔.
What actually really made me think about if I want to put myself in this relationship situation again was an very innocent comment from a fling I had two meetings with before Spain was quarantined and with a curfew. I know it was humorous meant, but it set my mind in relation to what I want in and of a love relationship.
He was going to have a holiday and did ask me if he could spend his holiday in my home,- and if I could be his hostess and waitress, and serve him freshly squeezed fruit juice every day, bring grapes and food, and so on. I know it was a joke,- but I did started to think about what I don’t want in a relationship one more time.
I felt I got my earlier long term relationships threw in my head – and thought “No, I won’t. Not one more time”. And then I realized that I’m actually not sure I’m ready for a long term relationship. My earlier experiences are obviously still to much in my mind and feelings.
My memories are most felt up with tiredness, and actually that,- this feeling that I was a hostess and waitress in the long term relationship I had been in during the last 26 years. I in away did loose myself in the relationship.
It’s actually just “just” two long term relationship during this period that has given me this feeling,- but it’s because of this ( short version) “hostess, waitress and actually not been loved for who Im” that has made me not wanted go into a long term relationship again. I’m actually afraid for losing myself, and I’m worried to have the same not to good experiences again.
But like I mention,- it is not certain it is the men I had a long-standing relationship with their fault that the relationship felt that way for me. Maybe, and probably, I was too remiss and not too good at telling them about things I did not like so much in the relationship? In away didn’t “stood up” for myself in the relationship. Instead I let myself stay in the role of “the hostess and waitress” because it created minor conflicts. It was easier to stay in that role and and avoid too many loud-voiced conflicts that made me feel even smaller then I already did felt.
So,- I m not sure if I’m actually ready for a long term relationship, and I’m not sure if I want to put myself in the same situation again as I has been in when it comes to a relationship. And,- I actually don’t even need to put myself into that situation either,- if I don’t want to 😊. It’s my choice 😊.
I’m actually fine with my situation as it is at the moment. At the same time I can admit that I do miss my imagination and illusion I have in my mind about how I did believe and thought a relationship and a “community” with a partner should be.
I see what’s happen in the future, and for how many days I’m going to use the Tinder app. To be honest,- I don’t think I’m going to use it for so many more days 😊. I think I probably should feel a bit more ready then I do at the moment,- and not feel to much about what I actually do miss, or my imagination and illusion, about a relationship 😊.
That was just some of my personal thoughts and private experiences around and about relationship,- and I know a lost of people and couples have much better and more positive experiences then me in this area. Something that makes me still believe in love between two partners, – as is for me is a relation between a woman and a man 😊. Then it’s just for me to see if or when I’m going to take the chance to put myself in that relationship situation again. Who knows, – maybe I even did learn a bit about myself and my relation to a relationship with just writing this text 😊.
I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for dropping by my blog today too 🧡
I have my own imagination and illusion about how I think and thought a relationship for me should be,- but the reality and my experience has been a bit different from that 😊. But I can choose if I want to put myself in that situation again or not,- and to have that choice doesn’t feel so bad 🥀,- even I still have a tiny little wish for a relationship one day there in the future 🧡.
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