The “captivating” gentleman πŸŽ©πŸ˜³

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧑

I did write about “the gentleman” in my last post,- and some years ago, in Norway, I met a “captivating” gentleman- and “captivating” in not a good and positive way….after a while. In the beginning, around the first 6 months I was treated like a woman, like a princess by a gentleman, closely every time we met. He did follow the “descriptions” for what a gentleman is and how he should be and behave.. And I need to admit I really did like it. I really enjoyed it to be treated like that.

But I didn’t enjoyed the changes so much, they made me actually very uncomfortable, unsure and confused. He wasn’t to happy with me, and wanted to change me, fix me. And I really did try, did follow the different things and recommendations he ment I needed to work with and do. But it was hard, I lost myself in all this “fixing” and it took a bit of a while to “find” “me” again. “The me” I did like before I meet him. And I lost the faith and believe in men, the gentleman, relationship.

It just took a bit of time for me to get distance from the not very nice gentleman I met many years ago.  Or that’s actually not correct- the man/ gentleman I manage to get distance to fast- but not the way he treated me. It took me a long time to get distance to that.  And it took even more time for me to forgive myself for  let this not very nice gentleman treat me the way he did. And also get this believe back- in “the gentleman”, the nice and caring gentleman, not the captiving😊.

Like I mention in one of my post the Autumn 2021,- the mental destroying is so much more difficult to explain and “show” to other people. To explain how it’s actually feels to be in a mental destroying situation and relationship. And my daughter went through something similar during last year as well. And she had an very good description how she felt to be together with someone how destroy you mentally- “it’s like he stole my life”.

I felt it closely in the same way, but also like I was in a kind of prison, chained with insecurity, low self-esteem, imprisoned inside even though I was out and free, I no longer felt free – just scared and watched. I felt so little, so small, so worthless, and so shameful because I didn’t had the courage to end the relationship either. I felt weak, useless. I felt mostly like everything was wrong with me. I felt like a horrible person. My clothes, the way I was happy, the way I talked in the phone, the way I made food…and more was wrong with me and needed to be fixed.

The changes from feeling be loved and liked unconditional for who I was, to not be good enough in so many things was difficult.

So instead of trying to explain I did paint. And it felt like this, and it feels like this when I remember back:

To be “Impriosend”- can you see little scared me in the painting?

I should probably had some professional help and advice from a psychologist after the breakup with this “captivating gentleman”, – but I did not quite know how to deal with it.  None of what I felt, thought about myself was shown on me, just inside me. And it’s so difficult to explain too.  And the few times I had tried to talk to some few friends about this in Norway I was rejected – “he seemed so handsome, nice, kind, yes, like a gentleman” 🎩.

I think this “healing process” from this relationship, this “Impriosend gentleman” maybe had happen a bit faster for me with professional help,- so I have reccomend my daughter to get professional help from a psychologist to help to deal with her experiences during the last year. And hopefully “recover” faster then I did.

Me- don’t know what to do, where to go, what to tell or how to explain.

I don’t want her to have the same challenges inside her like I had for so many years. I can’t help her the same way as a professional psychologist can. I can just be her mammi, love her unconditional and take as good care of her as I can.

Luckily I “landed” in Spain, even the “landing” in Spain was the way it was- with a crash landing β˜„. Because I was in a really dark place during the last months when I was living in Norway.

The first time I really open up for how the relationship was and what it had done to my heart, soul, thoughts, mind was to Natasja and she didn’t rejected me, she did listen, asked questions and listen and listen for years 🧑.

And suddenly something has happen inside me during the lasts weeks- its like a big bobble that just on it’s own way “explode” and suddenly I felt free- free from my destruction and destroying thoughts, free from not best experience in life together with not the best gentleman in the world, and Im ready to “move on” with my life 😊.

I have been able to Forgive myself for not the best choice of a man in my life, and also accept the fact that – that’s life- that’s in the past, I  can’t do anything about it. I can just move on 😊. But it hasn’t been easy- to get rid of the shame that I could be so weak and excepted to be treated like that, and the bad mental treatment takes a bit time to get distance to, and recover from. And it’s difficult to explain and “show”.

I’m not sure if it’s the conversation with Natasja or the fact that my children are not angry because I chose to be together with a gentleman like him, and went into “a dark place” for a period? Or the fact that the years, the time just goes by? You get distance to different things as the times goes by. Or the painting? Or what’s happen to my daughter during this Autumn?

It doesn’t matter- the most important thing for me now it’s this feeling that I did in my own way manage to explain how it feels to be in a mental destroying relationship. I don’t need to explain anything anymore- I can just show and share the painting,- and hopefully most people will understand. It’s like I painted the bad feelings “off” me, and placed them on the canvas instead. Moved them to the canvas. Can that make any sense?

And,- To the end of the day- it is what it is. It’s in the past- and I’m here in the present on the way to my future -every day 😊. And it’s feels like “Breaking free”- I’m going to show you that one in my next post 😊.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧑 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧑

See you soon 😊

It’s so incredibly good to not feel this inside me anymore 😊

To explain and “show” how it can feels inside you when you go through, and are in a mental destructive and destroying relationship is very difficult. No one can “see” how you are inside you, the feelings, thoughts. So I did try to paint “it all”- and hopefully the painting is an “explanation” enough.

#experiences #differences #emotions #feelings #thougths #destroying #destructive #mentalhealth #mental #challenges #changes #explanation #relationship #thepast

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