Is it worth it? ❤💘💔

Hi ❣It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like I mention in my post “ I’m currently not dating….” it’s because of my experiences when it comes to dating and even more when it comes to relationships. And I know I need to resett my self a bit, a bit more then I actually thought.

I haven’t lost the faith in love and relationship, because I see both family and friends around me have great relationships. Functional relationships build on a bit different things then my last relationship was. So I know it’s possible to have a healthy and loving relationship with the correct person and partner.

I may seem bitter, critical and cynical when it comes to love and relationships – but I’m not really.  I see that it all, my attitude to relationships, is based on my own experiences, and not necessarily what for most couples and relationships is a reality. I’m just worried the reality I have, my experienc, when it comes to relationship is going to be a reality and truth for me one more time,- and I know I can’t handle that one more time. It takes so much time and energy to just be “here” I’m now, and I have still some steps left to walk.

To be “here” I’m now has took me over 7 years, and there’s still things that’s make me want to throw up when I think about relationship, and I know I’m not ready to handle different “challenges” a relationship can gives, yet.

I’m not interested to be in a relationship now. I need to resett my self, my mind, soul and heart before that can be a “issue” again.

I’m not interested to have all the differents commitments it’s obviously necessary to have when you are in a relationship.

I’m not interested to be treated so bad as I has been in relationship anymore. I’m not interested to give so much from my self and get so little back. I’m not interested in all the different “restrictions” , claim and demand there is in a relationship. I’m not interested to be told all the different things I’m doing wrong. All from what kind of clothes I’m very, complains about the food I’m making or what wrong store I did bought it in. I’m not interested to listen to all the things that are wrong with me and all the different kinds of treatment I need to have so I can be “correct”.

I’m not interested to feel so totally alone anymore. I was and felt more alone, lonely and lonesome in that relationship than I have ever been, and then I’m now when I’m actually alone, now when it’s just me. I actually lost the contact with my family and my friends during this relationship,- and I was totally alone too ( except from my children, I unfortunately, also manage to drag with me in this’ that’s incredibly painful to think about 😭 💔).

And I was scared too, and worried. I felt I had a big, big grey and heavy stone in my stomach. And I did cry a lot, but I had no one to go too.

I’m not interested to feel so miserable and confused anymore. Or so unsecured on closely everything. Myself, my work, my interests, my thoughts, my body, my health, my mental mind, my clothes, my habits. I don’t want to feel so totally alone and failed in “all” different areas of life.

I’m not interested to be and feel monitored and looked after.  Be called a liar, or hear that I have no heart – or if I’m so lucky to have a heart, it’s full of black holes. I’m not interested to hear I’m stupid, and “something needs to be wrong with me”, and go to many different treatments to be “fixed” 😳.

I’m not interested to be “brainwashed” one more time. I’m not interested to feel like I’m drawing in a ice cold dark ocean when I’m standing on land in the sunshine.

A relationship for me was to many demands, expectations, pressures, hopes, disappointments, responsibilities, commitments and I did more and less most of this “all the time” wrong too, just in case. I was happy in the wrong way, I was sad in the wrong way, I “did” the relationship- commitment wrong. But when all comes to all,- nothing of this, my experiences is love or unconditional love. It’s “power” and control over an other person. I know that.

But this is my private and personal experience from a boyfriend and to be in a relationship. And in my head I know this kind of treatment in a relationship (or actually general for all treatment of people) is not love, it’s not about the respect for another person.

I know many has other and more positive experiences to be in a relationship then I have. I can’t just find, feel or remember very much positive with a relationship. But,- the good thing is,- I still have an imagination of a good, loving and healthy relationship- I can “work for” when or if I’m going to be ready for a boyfriend and a relationship again.

But to be honest,- it’s not worth it for me, not when I think, feel and do remember how it was to be in a relationship, how it was to be together with a boyfriend. It’s not worth it,- to feel so incredibly miserable closely all the time. At least not at the moment, maybe never, to go through this again.

I probably sounds bitter, but I’m not. I just know that this is my life and I don’t want to have something like that in my life ever again. I’m lucky- lucky that was dropped off in Spain, if not I don’t think I have been here today.

I really need to resett my self, and I don’t know how long time that will take. But what I do know is that a new man in my life will not “fix” this at the moment, fix my mind and soul. My heart, I think my heart is actually fine, because I was never heartbroken to be dropped off in Spain, just in a very big shock.

This Easter I did started to paint the pain, my not to good experiences when it comes to a relationship. I’m going to show you when it’s finish, but it will take a bit time before it’s finished. It’s a bit painful process to paint at the same time an incredible relief feeling too.

Of course I do think about my “why” I wanted to date and hopefully get into a relationship again, but I don’t know at the moment if my “why” is worth it. And I do know that it’s not worth to be in a relationship if it’s like my experiences are.

So that’s why I don’t date, and are not “looking” for a boyfriend and relationship, because I’m worried and scared, and it was not worth it.

Time will show what’s happens, and if I’m changing my mind when it comes to boyfriend and relationship, and if I manage to resett my heart, soul and mind 🌹. But at the moment I’m here I’m and that’s fine, I’m fine 🌹.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Fixing a broken heart- finish painted by me in 2016.

My experiences from a relationship are not the best, I know that. And it’s actually not my heart that’s broken, I think my heart is very good 🧡. But my experiences that are in my mind and soul still need time to be resett before I will be able to think and believe that a relationship can be different from my experiences 🌹.

#experiences #differences #imagenation #love #unconditionallove #relationship #treatment #dating resettmyself #challenges #changes

I’m not currently dating,- and it’s my choice 🌹

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

I’m not currently dating, and it’s a time since I actually did date, and also was “looking” for a date. And I’m very fine with that. I actually don’t miss dating or being in a relationship. Because in my mind I do understand the “dating- concept” as you meet up with someone because you want, and hopefully will get a serious relationship together with this person. Both are interested in each other,- that’s why it is a date. It’s not sure this “understaning” is correct. It’s just the way I understand the “dating- concept”.

But I need to admit that for a period I actually thought that I miss dating, miss being in a relationship, and missed a boyfriend in my life. But the truth is I did miss an imagination, and not my reality when it comes to relationships. But my imagination over how a relationship can or should be.

I deleted the dating app Tinder in October/ November 2019, and haven’t regret that so fare. But I was “tired” of the “dating” before I deleted the app. It didn’t gave me very much, to be honest. Like relationships haven’t given me to much either. To be fair,- it’s my last “long term- serious” relationship that’s “freshest” in my mind, and also where many of my not to good experiences when it comes to relationships are “build on”. Natural enough, but also maybe unfortunately?

And it’s actually more the 7 years since that relationship ended- something I’m very grateful for 🙏, but still it has “marked” my mind and soul in a bit negative direction and with a bit negative thoughts and experiences when it comes to dating and relationship.

I have met some nice dates during the lasts years, but also some strange dates. But that’s not the reason why I have made a choice and decision to not date for a while.

Dating didn’t gave me very much, or to use the dating app and “try” to find a date, a date that’s also maybe would became to a serious relationship after a while.

Maybe I’m not a “nettdating- person”? Maybe I need to met a man in “the real life” and not during a “switch left or right” app? I know it’s different dating- app’s, not just like the way Tinder is in “function”. But still I don’t think nettdating is something for me.

It’s not just that I’m not a “nettdating- person” that made me choose to not date for a while, but also because I know I need to resett my self when it comes to dating and relationship. Really resett my self. Maybe I manage to do it, maybe not. I don’t know, I don’t even know if I’m going out there in the “dating and relationship” world again either. And it’s fine. I’m fine with that.

I have thought a bit over why I wanted to date at that time I was a bit “busy” with that. And for me it was about attention, be attracted and became attracted of, intimacy and sex, hopefully feel “close” to an other man both mentally as well as psychic, meet someone to share different things and stuffs in life together with, someone to have different experiences together with as well as do things and stuffs together with, feel “connected” together with, someone “special” and be “special” for, feel butterflies in my stomach and some extra heartbeats too, just because of that man and the feelings I had for him, to feel important for someone, to miss someone as well as be missed, and probably a bit more I don’t remember anyone and at the moment 😊.

But the reality, my reality is that I haven’t actually very much real experiences from this, this thoughts about how I think a relationship is “in function”. My own experiences when it comes to, special relationships, are not like my “dreams and imaginations”, if I can call it that. Because my dreams and imagination about a relationship is “my why” I wanted to date and be in a relationship, but the truth is, my truth and my experiences and my reality is not very similar with my imagination.

My experiences from a relationship are actually something I don’t want to go through again. And we date because we want to meet someone that’s makes us feel “comfortable”, feel happy and happiness, joy and love and so on. We in general dates because of “my why” I wanted to date.

So I made a decision for more then over 1,5 years ago that I don’t want to date. I don’t want to date before all of me, my heart, my mind, my soul are ready for dating and ready for the commitments and the responsibility a relationship has. I need to really resett my mind, my heart and my soul first. And I have no idea how long time my “resett- process” will take. Maybe “forever”? I don’t know, and that’s fine 😊.

And it’s actually a good feeling to say “Thank you, but No Thank you, I’m not dating at the moment”, when someone asks me out for a ice tea or a coffee, a glass of wine or a lunch. And in general I don’t even get the question “why not”, and to be honest, it’s actually no one’s “business” either why I don’t date. It’s my choice, and I’m very fine and comfortable with my choice too 😊. And I’m very relaxed with my choice as well, when it comes to this “currently not dating” 😊. And I’m actually not even sure it’s worth it, – the dating and relationship,- to expose myself to maybe get the same experiences again when it comes to relationships.

Like I have mention before,- when or if I’m want to date again and want a serious relationship I can but out an “vaccination available” in my blog 😅. We see what’s happen there in the future 😊.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

My imagination about how a relationship should be and my reality about how a relationship is,- is two very different things 🥀.

My imagination about how a relationship should be and my reality about how a relationship is,- is two very different things 🥀. So that’s why I have chosen to not date for awhile,- I need to resett my self, my mind, my soul, my heart before I maybe start dating again 😊. And I’m very relaxed with my decision about not dating 😊.

#dating #relationship #relaxed #decision #mychoice #resettmyself #experiences #differences #imagenation #thougths #feelings #choices

She did “design” it, I made it 😊👗🧶

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like some of you know I like to knit,- and I have actually knit since I was 12 years old. And I did knit the first baby clothes to my children too. Their first clothes they used from the hospital and home 🤱.

I have knit a lots of different clothes to my children during the years when they was younger. But when they became older “mammi’s” knit clothes was not so popular for a while. Which was okay for me, I understood that 😊.

But when they became young adults I asked again if they wanted or needed some knit clothes. My oldest son wanted some different sweaters, my middle son didn’t want to much, and not my daughter either, before recently 😊.

I have actually asked her a couple of time if she wanted to draw something she wanted me to knit for her, because she is both creative and she draw very good. ( Im probably not very natural- of course , I think her drawings are good 🥰). But the interest has not been to big before she did see some knit clothes on a social media channel 🧶. Then she asked me if I could knit something for her, – and of course I wanted 🥰.

So she did made me a drawing over what she wanted me to knit, we bought the yarn together so she got the colours she wanted, and she moved out….and I forgot to take good to measure how far, wide and so on by her before she moved out 😳.

So I have actually tried my very best to knit “by my head” as well and asked her during the knit “process” how long and so on.

I need to say the results was not to bad at all,- and she was quite happy too 🥰. And I liked it too. I hope she will ask me again to do something like this for and to her😊.

My daughter in her new knit clothes- “designed” by her, and made by me 🧶

Not to bad at all 🥰. I know it was not the most “complicated” clothes to knit, but I’m a bit proud over the result, – and it suits my daughter so perfect 🥰.

My daughter’s drawing, and that’s what I knot this clothes from- nothing more 🧶

I also made her a tights too. Design by me and made by me. I have actually knit 6 different tights this winter. Two to a friend, three to my self and one to my daughter 🧶. They are so nice to use during the cold winter- time. Soft, warm and comfortable.

So when she visited me this weekend she got a different things and stuffs with her in her back- bag to her apartment 😊. Some knit clothes and some homemade food as well 😊. And of course it was incredible great to see her again and give her some good hugs as well 😊.

I was very excited how her skirt and top would suit her, special because I haven’t very much else to knit from and by then a drawing and my mind. But we are both very happy with the finish product. Good teamwork 😊.

It has been a very nice, relaxing and cozy weekend with some “luxury” for my self, and incredibly nice visit from my daughter 🥰.

I hope your weekend has brought you some happiness and joy too 🧡.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

My daughter in her new knit clothes- skirt, top- “designed” by my daughter, and a tights “designed” by me – and it all made by me 😊🧶.

My daughter asked me if I could knit some clothes to her 🧶,- and I asked her if she could draw to me what she wanted me to make 😊. So more and less with just a drawing and my mind I made a nice summer outfit to her 🥰. Good teamwork by daughter and mammi with a good result too 😊.

#teamwork #motheranddaugther #mydaugther #knitting #create #creative #inspiration #imagenation #knit #homemadedesign #oneofakind #drawing #summeroutfit #madewithlove

A bit luxury today 🚿✂️👒

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Today it’s felt a bit like a “luxury day” 😊. Yesterday evening I got my shower fixed, and now there’s nice hot water again 🥰. Lovely, just lovely after closely a month without 🚿. ( I have mention before,- things can takes a bit time now and then in Spain 🤭)

I’m really enjoyed the nice, warm water from my shower this morning 🥰

I had a 10 hours working day yesterday, so I was a bit tired when I was finish working and the shower was fixed. But I can promise you I really enjoyed my nice, warm shower this morning after closely a month with cold showers, “spiced up” with some boiled water 😅.

At least I have a shower and water, and also the possibility for boil some water too. Just that is actually a kind of luxury now at days. Many people don’t even have that kind of possibility for this “luxury”. I have and I’m very grateful for that 😊.

I need to admit I was a bit tired now in the end of this cold showers closely every morning, special because it has also been some cold, grey days too, so the house is a bit cold as well 😊. But I have actually a home to stay in and the possibility for a shower and clean water so I haven’t complained. I just needed a bit extra motivation for the cold showers now and then, but I manage to motivate my 😊. I like to be and feel clean, even when I’m actually “sourrende” by just myself most of the time at the moment 😊. And after a “water falls” sleep it’s really good with a shower, but, lucky for me, I haven’t had to many of “hot” nights during this month 😊.

I decided I wanted to “celebrate” a bit today then 🎉. Celebrate the nice, warm water in my shower. Celebrate that I’m actually very lucky with small, but still important “luxury” in the daily life 🥰. Celebrate and be grateful for what I have in my life 🥰.

I did “celebrate” with a visit to the hairdresser as well ✂️ 😊. Actually also a bit of a luxury 😊.

Me with a new haircut- done today ✂️😊

It’s actually 10 months since last time I visited the hairdresser, so it was a bit necessary, at least for my hair 😊. And it felt a bit like luxury to be able to go to the hairdresser too 😊. In my own way I celebrate the “small” things many takes for granted, but at the same there’s so many people who haven’t the possibility for clean water, a warm shower or a visit to the hairdresser.

I’m so lucky, and I feel so grateful for having this “simple”, but still so great necessities in my life 🧡. Unfortunately there is no obvious for all and everyone to have this “small” necessities in their life 😞.

And just to “top it all” an spoil myself a bit more, and I went to the store that sells my favourite ice coffee 🥰.

I don’t drink ice coffee every day anymore. I’m trying to save my money in different “areas” in my household, and one of then is to have an ice coffee or two just on Mondays and Tuesdays now, and not every day ☕. For me that’s the most busy and hard working days in the week. The days I’m most tired. So I “spoil” myself with an ice coffee or two this days then 😊. Except from today 🥰.

I did work 10 hours yesterday, and have in general working between 9 and 10 hours every day this week. And for closely one month I have started my day with a cold shower, not very volunteer, but because my hot water tank was broken. So today I choose to “celebrate” a bit with a new haircut and some ice coffee. Have a tiny “luxury” day in my life, and also feel on gratefulness because I actually have the opportunity for this small daily things in my life, like a warm shower 🥰.

I hope you have the possibility to spoil your self a bit today too 🧡.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

My favourite ice coffee- I’m celebrating how lucky and grateful I’m 🥰.

Today it’s a bit “luxury” day for me, and I “celebrate” it with a visit to the hairdresser and bought some of my favourite ice coffee too 🥰. I just celebrate the “luxury” of nice, warm water in my shower 🚿,- as well as just feeling grateful for the “small” things in the daily life 🥰.

#celebrate #warmshower #cleanwater #feelinggrateful #feelinglucky #luxury #lucky #spolingmyself #happiness #Norwegian #livinginspain #lifeis #gettingolder #newhaircut #icecoffee #smallthingsinthedailylife

It feels like the time just flies away 💙🎈🎁

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Today it’s 27 year since I became a mammi for the first time in my life,- to a lovely baby boy. The most fantastic, sweetest and gorgeous baby boy I have ever seen 💙. It was a marvellous moment, and in it’s own way still is 💙.

I still remember that day, 27 years ago, and it’s a day I’m probably going to remember with joy and happiness for the rest of my life 💙. I was so proud, and still is 🥰.

A so proud mammi to my first born child 27 years  ago- a friend of my in Norway did take this photo when she visited us in the hospital 💙

The feeling to hold him in my arms for the first time was fantastic 🥰. I felt so deeply in love with this little baby boy it felt like my heart was going to explode 💖. And this love has not became any less during the years, not at all ❤. Just bigger and stronger for very day 💙.

The love I feel for him is so strong, so unconditional- it’s impossible for me to explain with any words. There’s no words big enough to manage explain my love for him, and how incredibly proud I’m to be his mammi 💙. And how incredibly proud I’m of my son, my oldest son, my first born child 💙.

He is not a baby or child anymore, he is a young adult man. I do forget that sometimes, actually a bit often now and then too. He will probably always be my child, no matter how old he is 💙.

He goes his own ways in life, and that’s so fine 🥰. I see he is happy in his life, he works hard, and he reach the different goals he want to reach. He loves to entertain, something he always has liked to do.

He is helpful, and help out as best as he can if anyone close to him need some help of any kind 😊. And he really love to live close to the nature, and enjoys his life in the mountains 😊.

It’s getting a bit more difficult to find good and useful birthday presents to him as older he get 🎁. He manage to buy what he need on his own now 😊. But I really want to give him something that in it’s own way represent the love I feel for him. The proud. The best wishes for him in his life.

If I could, I have probably given him what ever he wanted and wish for, but I can’t. I can give him my unconditional love, and something that shows my love for him 💙. So this year it became a painted winebottle, but not a empty winebottle. A winebottle with wine inside. A winebottle, one of a kind, just like my oldest son 💙.

It’s the first time I have painted on a winebottle with wine inside. It was a bit different to paint, because the bottle was heavier and the different reflections became different then I’m use to. And I was so worried to loose the bottle when I painted. I really didn’t want it to break.

I have actually looked around in different stores to find a winebottle colour with blue glass, and lucky for me I did manage to fine one after a while 💙.

In case I could not remove the label on the bottle I took a picture of it to be able to show my son what wine is inside the bottle.

I did manage to remove the label, and put it together with his birthday card 😊.

The birthday- card to my oldest son- with the label from the wine too 😊

I have been working with this winebottle for a while, but still I was a bit worried I shouldn’t manage to get finish to my son’s birthday. But I did 😊.

Some few details from the winebottle to my oldest son 💙
The winebottle in different “environment” 😊.

And of course I wanted to try to made the present so “special” as I can and have the possibility to do,- so I found a bit cool winebox to the painted winebottle too 🎁.

Look ,- a bit cool ,- isn’t it? 💙

And of course I made the favourite chocolate cake I always makes to my children’s birthdays 😊🎁

The chocolate cake/ birthday cake and the birthday gift to my oldest son at his 27 years birthday 🎁💙.
And here you can see the winebottle “all around ” 💙

I should actually painted the winebottle in different violet colours, because that’s my oldest son favourite colour 🎨. But since the kids was small I have “created” things and stuffs, like for example clothes in different blue colours to my oldest, in different green colours to my middle son, and my daughter, – she was a bit “luckier” with the colours because I switched a bit between red, pink and violet in different varieties 😊. So then it became blue winebottle to my oldest son 💙.

And my oldest son has got some different knitted things in different violet colours so I think he know I know what’s his favourite colour anyway, and they all three know I have this “habit” to still give them things “touched” with the colours from their childhood 🥰.

So it’s actually and really 27 years since I became a mammi for the first time today 🥰. It feels incredible, – the time just flies away. I feel so incredibly grateful and lucky, and so proud 💙.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

It was not easy to put lights inside a not open bottle, so then it became a bit lights around the the bottle instead 💙

Imagen it’s 27 years since I had this tiny little baby boy in my arms and felt so deeply in love 💙. He will probably always in a way be my child no matter how old he is 💙. In my post you will find my birthday gift to him this year, and if you want to take a look, you are welcome to do 🥰.

#mammi #raisingup #growingup #gettingolder #Norwegian #livinginspain #lifeis #myoldestson #lifeexperiences #lifeisgood #thelife #feelinggrateful #feelinglucky #proud #birthday #gift #winebottle #create #creative #myart #art #oneofakind #oilcolor #oilpainting #unconditionallove ❤