Is it worth it? ❤💘💔

Hi ❣It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like I mention in my post “ I’m currently not dating….” it’s because of my experiences when it comes to dating and even more when it comes to relationships. And I know I need to resett my self a bit, a bit more then I actually thought.

I haven’t lost the faith in love and relationship, because I see both family and friends around me have great relationships. Functional relationships build on a bit different things then my last relationship was. So I know it’s possible to have a healthy and loving relationship with the correct person and partner.

I may seem bitter, critical and cynical when it comes to love and relationships – but I’m not really.  I see that it all, my attitude to relationships, is based on my own experiences, and not necessarily what for most couples and relationships is a reality. I’m just worried the reality I have, my experienc, when it comes to relationship is going to be a reality and truth for me one more time,- and I know I can’t handle that one more time. It takes so much time and energy to just be “here” I’m now, and I have still some steps left to walk.

To be “here” I’m now has took me over 7 years, and there’s still things that’s make me want to throw up when I think about relationship, and I know I’m not ready to handle different “challenges” a relationship can gives, yet.

I’m not interested to be in a relationship now. I need to resett my self, my mind, soul and heart before that can be a “issue” again.

I’m not interested to have all the differents commitments it’s obviously necessary to have when you are in a relationship.

I’m not interested to be treated so bad as I has been in relationship anymore. I’m not interested to give so much from my self and get so little back. I’m not interested in all the different “restrictions” , claim and demand there is in a relationship. I’m not interested to be told all the different things I’m doing wrong. All from what kind of clothes I’m very, complains about the food I’m making or what wrong store I did bought it in. I’m not interested to listen to all the things that are wrong with me and all the different kinds of treatment I need to have so I can be “correct”.

I’m not interested to feel so totally alone anymore. I was and felt more alone, lonely and lonesome in that relationship than I have ever been, and then I’m now when I’m actually alone, now when it’s just me. I actually lost the contact with my family and my friends during this relationship,- and I was totally alone too ( except from my children, I unfortunately, also manage to drag with me in this’ that’s incredibly painful to think about 😭 💔).

And I was scared too, and worried. I felt I had a big, big grey and heavy stone in my stomach. And I did cry a lot, but I had no one to go too.

I’m not interested to feel so miserable and confused anymore. Or so unsecured on closely everything. Myself, my work, my interests, my thoughts, my body, my health, my mental mind, my clothes, my habits. I don’t want to feel so totally alone and failed in “all” different areas of life.

I’m not interested to be and feel monitored and looked after.  Be called a liar, or hear that I have no heart – or if I’m so lucky to have a heart, it’s full of black holes. I’m not interested to hear I’m stupid, and “something needs to be wrong with me”, and go to many different treatments to be “fixed” 😳.

I’m not interested to be “brainwashed” one more time. I’m not interested to feel like I’m drawing in a ice cold dark ocean when I’m standing on land in the sunshine.

A relationship for me was to many demands, expectations, pressures, hopes, disappointments, responsibilities, commitments and I did more and less most of this “all the time” wrong too, just in case. I was happy in the wrong way, I was sad in the wrong way, I “did” the relationship- commitment wrong. But when all comes to all,- nothing of this, my experiences is love or unconditional love. It’s “power” and control over an other person. I know that.

But this is my private and personal experience from a boyfriend and to be in a relationship. And in my head I know this kind of treatment in a relationship (or actually general for all treatment of people) is not love, it’s not about the respect for another person.

I know many has other and more positive experiences to be in a relationship then I have. I can’t just find, feel or remember very much positive with a relationship. But,- the good thing is,- I still have an imagination of a good, loving and healthy relationship- I can “work for” when or if I’m going to be ready for a boyfriend and a relationship again.

But to be honest,- it’s not worth it for me, not when I think, feel and do remember how it was to be in a relationship, how it was to be together with a boyfriend. It’s not worth it,- to feel so incredibly miserable closely all the time. At least not at the moment, maybe never, to go through this again.

I probably sounds bitter, but I’m not. I just know that this is my life and I don’t want to have something like that in my life ever again. I’m lucky- lucky that was dropped off in Spain, if not I don’t think I have been here today.

I really need to resett my self, and I don’t know how long time that will take. But what I do know is that a new man in my life will not “fix” this at the moment, fix my mind and soul. My heart, I think my heart is actually fine, because I was never heartbroken to be dropped off in Spain, just in a very big shock.

This Easter I did started to paint the pain, my not to good experiences when it comes to a relationship. I’m going to show you when it’s finish, but it will take a bit time before it’s finished. It’s a bit painful process to paint at the same time an incredible relief feeling too.

Of course I do think about my “why” I wanted to date and hopefully get into a relationship again, but I don’t know at the moment if my “why” is worth it. And I do know that it’s not worth to be in a relationship if it’s like my experiences are.

So that’s why I don’t date, and are not “looking” for a boyfriend and relationship, because I’m worried and scared, and it was not worth it.

Time will show what’s happens, and if I’m changing my mind when it comes to boyfriend and relationship, and if I manage to resett my heart, soul and mind 🌹. But at the moment I’m here I’m and that’s fine, I’m fine 🌹.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Fixing a broken heart- finish painted by me in 2016.

My experiences from a relationship are not the best, I know that. And it’s actually not my heart that’s broken, I think my heart is very good 🧡. But my experiences that are in my mind and soul still need time to be resett before I will be able to think and believe that a relationship can be different from my experiences 🌹.

#experiences #differences #imagenation #love #unconditionallove #relationship #treatment #dating resettmyself #challenges #changes

I’m not currently dating,- and it’s my choice 🌹

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

I’m not currently dating, and it’s a time since I actually did date, and also was “looking” for a date. And I’m very fine with that. I actually don’t miss dating or being in a relationship. Because in my mind I do understand the “dating- concept” as you meet up with someone because you want, and hopefully will get a serious relationship together with this person. Both are interested in each other,- that’s why it is a date. It’s not sure this “understaning” is correct. It’s just the way I understand the “dating- concept”.

But I need to admit that for a period I actually thought that I miss dating, miss being in a relationship, and missed a boyfriend in my life. But the truth is I did miss an imagination, and not my reality when it comes to relationships. But my imagination over how a relationship can or should be.

I deleted the dating app Tinder in October/ November 2019, and haven’t regret that so fare. But I was “tired” of the “dating” before I deleted the app. It didn’t gave me very much, to be honest. Like relationships haven’t given me to much either. To be fair,- it’s my last “long term- serious” relationship that’s “freshest” in my mind, and also where many of my not to good experiences when it comes to relationships are “build on”. Natural enough, but also maybe unfortunately?

And it’s actually more the 7 years since that relationship ended- something I’m very grateful for 🙏, but still it has “marked” my mind and soul in a bit negative direction and with a bit negative thoughts and experiences when it comes to dating and relationship.

I have met some nice dates during the lasts years, but also some strange dates. But that’s not the reason why I have made a choice and decision to not date for a while.

Dating didn’t gave me very much, or to use the dating app and “try” to find a date, a date that’s also maybe would became to a serious relationship after a while.

Maybe I’m not a “nettdating- person”? Maybe I need to met a man in “the real life” and not during a “switch left or right” app? I know it’s different dating- app’s, not just like the way Tinder is in “function”. But still I don’t think nettdating is something for me.

It’s not just that I’m not a “nettdating- person” that made me choose to not date for a while, but also because I know I need to resett my self when it comes to dating and relationship. Really resett my self. Maybe I manage to do it, maybe not. I don’t know, I don’t even know if I’m going out there in the “dating and relationship” world again either. And it’s fine. I’m fine with that.

I have thought a bit over why I wanted to date at that time I was a bit “busy” with that. And for me it was about attention, be attracted and became attracted of, intimacy and sex, hopefully feel “close” to an other man both mentally as well as psychic, meet someone to share different things and stuffs in life together with, someone to have different experiences together with as well as do things and stuffs together with, feel “connected” together with, someone “special” and be “special” for, feel butterflies in my stomach and some extra heartbeats too, just because of that man and the feelings I had for him, to feel important for someone, to miss someone as well as be missed, and probably a bit more I don’t remember anyone and at the moment 😊.

But the reality, my reality is that I haven’t actually very much real experiences from this, this thoughts about how I think a relationship is “in function”. My own experiences when it comes to, special relationships, are not like my “dreams and imaginations”, if I can call it that. Because my dreams and imagination about a relationship is “my why” I wanted to date and be in a relationship, but the truth is, my truth and my experiences and my reality is not very similar with my imagination.

My experiences from a relationship are actually something I don’t want to go through again. And we date because we want to meet someone that’s makes us feel “comfortable”, feel happy and happiness, joy and love and so on. We in general dates because of “my why” I wanted to date.

So I made a decision for more then over 1,5 years ago that I don’t want to date. I don’t want to date before all of me, my heart, my mind, my soul are ready for dating and ready for the commitments and the responsibility a relationship has. I need to really resett my mind, my heart and my soul first. And I have no idea how long time my “resett- process” will take. Maybe “forever”? I don’t know, and that’s fine 😊.

And it’s actually a good feeling to say “Thank you, but No Thank you, I’m not dating at the moment”, when someone asks me out for a ice tea or a coffee, a glass of wine or a lunch. And in general I don’t even get the question “why not”, and to be honest, it’s actually no one’s “business” either why I don’t date. It’s my choice, and I’m very fine and comfortable with my choice too 😊. And I’m very relaxed with my choice as well, when it comes to this “currently not dating” 😊. And I’m actually not even sure it’s worth it, – the dating and relationship,- to expose myself to maybe get the same experiences again when it comes to relationships.

Like I have mention before,- when or if I’m want to date again and want a serious relationship I can but out an “vaccination available” in my blog 😅. We see what’s happen there in the future 😊.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

My imagination about how a relationship should be and my reality about how a relationship is,- is two very different things 🥀.

My imagination about how a relationship should be and my reality about how a relationship is,- is two very different things 🥀. So that’s why I have chosen to not date for awhile,- I need to resett my self, my mind, my soul, my heart before I maybe start dating again 😊. And I’m very relaxed with my decision about not dating 😊.

#dating #relationship #relaxed #decision #mychoice #resettmyself #experiences #differences #imagenation #thougths #feelings #choices

Mid age and midlife crisis 🥀

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

The midlife crisis is no joke.  It can be a pretty tough mental process for many, especially men.  Unfortunately, it turns out that there is a fairly high suicide rate among men who are going through the midlife crisis.  And the average age, worldwide, is 47, 2 years. 

Unfortunately it’s in general men, all over the world, that’s struggling most during this “status in the life period” in life. But of course women too, but maybe in a different way? And it is not “all and everyone” that goes through a mental crisis in the mid age either.

Often is the reason why some feel the mid age are so hard are feelings like unsuccessful, hopelessness over different dreams that hasn’t come through, wishes that’s feels not fulfilled and they are in the middle of the life,- and get a feeling that the life is over. But the middle of the life is not the end. It is the middle of the life. At the same time I can understand this painful feelings inside many fells during this period in life.

Why do so many feel on this bad feelings and thoughts, and also some choose suicide as a “resort” and “solution”? I don’t know, I don’t have the answers, but I can actually really understand this feeling of unsuccessful in life. The hopelessness when dreams and wishes feels like they are not fulfilled, and the feeling of lost youth, and  thoughts  about  a frightening and unknown old age can scares “anyone”, the feeling of not reaching, lack of happiness, depression, emptiness, a feeling of not reaching, and whether one has children – the children who move out, and a home that feels empty. It can be a lots to process at the same time,- as well as there often also are a economic and money “issue”. The economy is not in the direction that is was wishes for in this age.

It’s a kind of feeling that the life is over, and it’s not possible to reach any dreams, wishes and goals anymore, or have any hopes. But it is 😊. Just think about what you actually have manage to do during your 45- 50 years of living? Then it should be possible to “squeeze” in a bit more during the at least next 30- 40 years of your life? Maybe in a bit slower tempo,- but so? 😊

I think I have had my “midlife crisis” in my life, already. This crisis where you actually think you can’t manage anymore, not a tiny little challenge more, at the same time as you feel failed in the economic and material field.  This, unfortunately, is one of the reasons why many, special men choose suicide as a solution instead of the feeling of unsuccessful.

I’m not a man,-, but when I was around 39- 40 I was in “this place” in my life. This incredible painful feeling of being unsuccessful in so many area in my life. It felt more heavy that I could manage. I even planned how and where to do it,- three different times. To try to end this   incredible painful feeling inside me.

The reason why I didn’t manage it was the thoughts of my children. I couldn’t just leave them either, in away alone in the world, and I also knew that my children would never understood why I had left them like that, because of economy, money and material issues. The incredibly painful feeling of unsuccessful. But it was hard, and I can really understand this feeling of being unsuccessful and actually not be able to “see the light in the tunnel”. But “the light  is there”, I know it’s there. So fight as best as you can during  this  hard part of the midlife crisis 💛.

So yes, I know. I know how it feels to not manage life anymore. To not see solutions. To feel useless and unsuccessful. To feel not worthy a shit. But,- still, – I can now say,- life feels good, – even with “the baggage” I have,- but now I slowly try to let go, step by step, trying to leave one heavy part down in the road and let it be there.

Hopefully that was my midlife crisis, and hopefully I will not be in that place in my life again. I actually don’t think so,- I will be in a place like that again,- but I can’t know.

I’m still not successful in the general term of success and successfulness, and m not rich on material things or have a lots of money in my bank account, – but it doesn’t matter anymore 😊. I’m fine,- I have what I need and still do my best to reach my different goals, wishes and dreams in my life. And I know I work hard to keep it going.

I can also imagine that to be in the midlife crisis during an pandemi must be even harder than without an pandemi. So many people has lost their homes, jobs, safety net and different things in life that’s in a way did defined their successes in their life.

I think it’s difficult to have dreams, wishes and goals to work for now at days,- and now and then I’m also “losing” it a bit,- but I try my best to focus on the positive things and try my best to keep the hope alive inside me 😊.

An other part of the midlife crisis is for many women when their children are moving out, and the home feels incredibly empty, silent and the “mammi routines” aren’t there anymore. It’s like “What to do now?”🤔

I don’t have unfortunately, any wise advice to give when someone are goes through a heavy midlife crisis and struggling with keeping things, lifes, their self together, in on or another way. I’m very sorry for that. The only advice I have is,- don’t give up. Look for the small, nice and positive things in a day. It doesn’t need to be so much,- but if you sample the small things they will be much together 💛. And life is always changing, it’s ups and downs, and I know some downs can be pretty hard too 😔. But after a down, there will come an ups,- if not the downs hasn’t been there. I know it’s not easy, I really know that- but it’s worth to at least try and give yourself some time too. It takes time to get out of the cold dark midlife crisis. But it’s possible 😊.

Like I mention earlier in my text,- I’m thinking about what I actually have manage to “squeezed” into my 48 years long life so fare. And it’s actually a bit 😊. Then I think I will probably manage to “squeeze” in a bit more,- even I at the moment are not sure what I want to “squeeze” in. But I will find that if I give myself a bit of time 😊.

Some will also probably think I’m not successful in life,- but in my life I’m in my own way successful, – so that’s fine and good enough for me 😊. It’s my life, and it’s me that needs to be and feel successful in my life,- I don’t need to be that for someone else 😊.

It was actually a bit difficult to explain and write about the midlife crisis, but I hope you got “the essence” of what I wanted to write about and tell? 🥀

I know midlife crisis can be challenging, and I haven’t the best solutions for how to “survive” it,- my best advice is to talk with someone, get some help to sort out your feelings and thoughts,- because you are actually not alone at all to go through a midlife crisis 🧡.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Roses from my patio- a kind of reminder that I’m in a new flowering in my life- and not like a “fallen” flower eith mo future anymore 🌹

Many people all around the world goes through a midlife crisis, and it can be a pretty hard personal crisis too for some 😔. I have been there my self,- some years ago. But now I choose to look at this new period in my life as a new flowering in my life 🌹.

#gettingolder #menopause #midlife #lifeexperiences #changes #challenges #midlifecrise #hardtime #solutions #hope #optimism #lifeis #thelife #experiences #differences #midage #newflowringinlife 🌹

Orange is orange,- or? 🍊

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Orange can be different kinds of things like for example a fruit or a colour and also a company 📱.

I like the fruit 🍊, but I’m not the biggest fan of the colour, and even less fan of the company with this name.

Like I mention in my post “March month tends to argue a little” it was a couple of challenges during March, but not worse then can be fixed 😊. Sometimes it’s just take a bit time to get them fixed ( like my shower- text is coming)😊.

I have been using a mobile and internet company with this “fruit” name, but I have tried to change a couple of times, because I had not been to happy with the company. It’s incredibly expensive and I never got an invoice with any explanation for what I actually was paying for,- even I asked many times. Also the chaning- process has this “fruit” company manage to avoid or in a strange way stopped.

My internet turned on/ off several of times, and could be off for weeks before the company actually did fixed it 😳. And it’s a bit important for me to have a functional internet in my home because I’m working from my home 🏡. No internet, no income. And there had been some other challenges too with this company.

I manage to change internet and mobile company some months ago 😊, and also stop the automatic transmission/ payment from my bank account to this “fruit” company. But suddenly this company for some strange reason manage to charge my bank account anyway last month, and then actually months after I had changed to another company, and finish being their customer 😳.

For some it probably don’t sound like a big amount or a big deal to be charged for 50 euro for something I don’t have or use. But for me 50 euro is food for more then a week 😳. And I’m not their costumer anymore either, haven’t been for some months actually. And the monthly payment was actually twice as much when I was customer in this company 😳.

In my mind it was a bit rude to do this. So I went to my bank and got my money back. I had the signed paper that my bank can’t charge anything more from me and my bank account to this “fruit” company. So I got my money back. Like I mention, – it was not a big deal and it was possible to fix it, but in that moment it felt like a tiny little big deal for me.

It’s not very often I don’t reccomend a company for someone, but when it comes to this company I will not recommend it to anyone. But that’s because of my experiences with the company. Some other customers can have the opposite experiences then me and probably can and will reccomend this company 🍊. But that’s the way it is, – we reccomend things based on our experiences. At least I do. I don’t know what you do?

Hopefully I’m finish with this company now, but I have some doubts too. I think there will be some calls from them and offers so I can became their customer again. At the moment I’m not going to be that. I’m very happy with the not “fruit” company I’m using for my internet and mobile now 😊. So fare so good 😊.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

We do our recommendation based on our own experiences most of the time 🍊🍋

When or if I give an recommendation to someone the recommendation is in general based on my own experiences 🍊. I recommend orange, the fruit, because I like it, but it’s not sure someone else like it to much 🍋.

#company #recomanmendation #work #workingfromhome #experiences #differences #lifeis #thatslife 😊

March month tends to argue a little 🥀😳😊

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

In general I feel March month has a tends to “argue” a little bit 🌱. I feel this month it’s in its own way colour up with some grey colours. I’m not sure why it is like this. Maybe because it is the month after the wintertime and before the Spring- time? As a kind of “month in between the sessions” ? A bit “grey- coloured” month?

When I was living in Norway this was a heavy economic month. I was closely over the different expenses after December and the Christmas- time, and then March dropped up with a lots of different new experiences. It was not just like that for me, but for many people in Norway. March was “the big” experiences month for many. And of course it was hard, even when you tried to put away money for this month it was hard.

To be honest I don’t remember the first March months after we moved to Spain, but I do remember the 3 last ones. And they was all touched a bit of the grey colour. But when that’s said, – this is only my “experiences” 😊.

March 2019 I got a job and felt very happy for that. I had been without a work- contract for some months, and was just earning my money at freelance work. Something that actually can be a bit hard because the available work can various from nothing to a lot. And when it’s no work to do, there’s no money to earn either.

But this job I got was not the easiest job for me to do. The costumer service job was fine, but the Amadeus program was not easy to handle- for me. And my car had flat wheels too, so I needed to walk to the job and back home. It took me one hour each way, so I was away from my home around 10 hours 5 days a week and a bit tired when I was back to my home after a day at work 😴.

I couldn’t effort using money on the train ticket to the work either, because I needed to use the money I had on the regular expenses like the rent, electricity, water, food and new wheels too. And, unfortunately, when March was closely over I got the message that I was not good enough to continue doing this kind of work 😔. So yes, I do remember March 2019 very well, and not as the best month in my life. More like a bit of hard and challenging month.

Then it was back to the freelance work again. I actually really do like to work as a freelancer, but I have also learned that I at least need to have at least 50 % of my regular work on a basic working contract so I at least know I will manage to pay for the regular expenses like the rent, the electricity and water. Food too, of course, but I in general manage to earn enough to the food during my freelance work, even when there’s weeks or periods without to much freelance work to do.

Last year, in March 2020 this coronavirus dropped off in our society, and we all got curfew 😳. And we got a lots of different restrictions to follow too. My oldest son and his friend was living together with me at that time, but was actually “on the way out” to their own home. That didn’t happen.

March 2020 was not as hard as the year before, but very, very different then we was use to live in general. And it was a bit challenging to learn to live by curfew and restrictions, be inside our home more and less 24 hours 🕰. And also listen to the sound of helicopter over our homes as well as “meet” the police on the way to the store.

This year,- well this March has also has it’s different challenges, but again different from last year 😊. This time it feels a bit more like there has dropped up a tiny challenge now and then during the day or week. Challenges that’s in general can be handle, but sometimes takes a bit time to get finish with 😊. And to be honest,- I haven’t share “all” the different challenges I have met on during March. I like to try my best to focus on the positive things, and it has been many positive happenings for me during this March to choose to focus on instead 😊. But of course it is a bit hard to “correct up” the economy again after trying to help my kids out. Special when I have been a bit (very much to be honest,- but I think it’s the age) tired too, and actually prefer to sleep instead of working 😴😅.

But I knew already in the beginning of March that this was going to be a bit busy month with different aspects in life as both work and family, and a bit lack of time to “all and everything” 😊.

I’m going to share some few of the challenges I have met during March with you during in some very few post during April. They are not a big deal actually, and even better to share when I have fixed the challenges so you can get the “whole story” from the beginning to the happy end instead 😊.

So maybe March will be easier and easier “to handle” the next years, there in the future 😊? And I don’t will look at this month with a touch of grey colours in the future? 😊

I’m not sure if you have some months during the year you feel are a bit more “grey coloured” even before they are “showing up”? Just because of some earlier not to good experiences? I have March, and of all the things also October and November too. At the same time as this months are some of my best months because my son in the middle is born in one, and my daughter in the other 💙❤. Strange? Yes, it is, – but that’s the way it is 😊.

Anyway,- soon March is over and some “new adventures” are ready to be explored and experienced just around the corner 😊🧡.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Sometimes I feel March is coloured up with a bit of grey colours, and also that “the wheels” are standing a bit still, and different challenges has a habit to be “connected” to the standing still wheels too 😊.

Sometimes I feel March is coloured up with a bit of grey colours, and also that “the wheels” are standing a bit still, and different challenges has a a tiny bad habit to be “connected” to the standing still wheels too 😊. But that’s life, isn’t it- to meet up on different challenges now and then? 😊

#myexperiences #march #greycolour #challenges #coronavirus #curfew #restrictions #lifeis #thelife #thedailylife #positivefocus #differences