Is it worth it? ❤💘💔

Hi ❣It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like I mention in my post “ I’m currently not dating….” it’s because of my experiences when it comes to dating and even more when it comes to relationships. And I know I need to resett my self a bit, a bit more then I actually thought.

I haven’t lost the faith in love and relationship, because I see both family and friends around me have great relationships. Functional relationships build on a bit different things then my last relationship was. So I know it’s possible to have a healthy and loving relationship with the correct person and partner.

I may seem bitter, critical and cynical when it comes to love and relationships – but I’m not really.  I see that it all, my attitude to relationships, is based on my own experiences, and not necessarily what for most couples and relationships is a reality. I’m just worried the reality I have, my experienc, when it comes to relationship is going to be a reality and truth for me one more time,- and I know I can’t handle that one more time. It takes so much time and energy to just be “here” I’m now, and I have still some steps left to walk.

To be “here” I’m now has took me over 7 years, and there’s still things that’s make me want to throw up when I think about relationship, and I know I’m not ready to handle different “challenges” a relationship can gives, yet.

I’m not interested to be in a relationship now. I need to resett my self, my mind, soul and heart before that can be a “issue” again.

I’m not interested to have all the differents commitments it’s obviously necessary to have when you are in a relationship.

I’m not interested to be treated so bad as I has been in relationship anymore. I’m not interested to give so much from my self and get so little back. I’m not interested in all the different “restrictions” , claim and demand there is in a relationship. I’m not interested to be told all the different things I’m doing wrong. All from what kind of clothes I’m very, complains about the food I’m making or what wrong store I did bought it in. I’m not interested to listen to all the things that are wrong with me and all the different kinds of treatment I need to have so I can be “correct”.

I’m not interested to feel so totally alone anymore. I was and felt more alone, lonely and lonesome in that relationship than I have ever been, and then I’m now when I’m actually alone, now when it’s just me. I actually lost the contact with my family and my friends during this relationship,- and I was totally alone too ( except from my children, I unfortunately, also manage to drag with me in this’ that’s incredibly painful to think about 😭 💔).

And I was scared too, and worried. I felt I had a big, big grey and heavy stone in my stomach. And I did cry a lot, but I had no one to go too.

I’m not interested to feel so miserable and confused anymore. Or so unsecured on closely everything. Myself, my work, my interests, my thoughts, my body, my health, my mental mind, my clothes, my habits. I don’t want to feel so totally alone and failed in “all” different areas of life.

I’m not interested to be and feel monitored and looked after.  Be called a liar, or hear that I have no heart – or if I’m so lucky to have a heart, it’s full of black holes. I’m not interested to hear I’m stupid, and “something needs to be wrong with me”, and go to many different treatments to be “fixed” 😳.

I’m not interested to be “brainwashed” one more time. I’m not interested to feel like I’m drawing in a ice cold dark ocean when I’m standing on land in the sunshine.

A relationship for me was to many demands, expectations, pressures, hopes, disappointments, responsibilities, commitments and I did more and less most of this “all the time” wrong too, just in case. I was happy in the wrong way, I was sad in the wrong way, I “did” the relationship- commitment wrong. But when all comes to all,- nothing of this, my experiences is love or unconditional love. It’s “power” and control over an other person. I know that.

But this is my private and personal experience from a boyfriend and to be in a relationship. And in my head I know this kind of treatment in a relationship (or actually general for all treatment of people) is not love, it’s not about the respect for another person.

I know many has other and more positive experiences to be in a relationship then I have. I can’t just find, feel or remember very much positive with a relationship. But,- the good thing is,- I still have an imagination of a good, loving and healthy relationship- I can “work for” when or if I’m going to be ready for a boyfriend and a relationship again.

But to be honest,- it’s not worth it for me, not when I think, feel and do remember how it was to be in a relationship, how it was to be together with a boyfriend. It’s not worth it,- to feel so incredibly miserable closely all the time. At least not at the moment, maybe never, to go through this again.

I probably sounds bitter, but I’m not. I just know that this is my life and I don’t want to have something like that in my life ever again. I’m lucky- lucky that was dropped off in Spain, if not I don’t think I have been here today.

I really need to resett my self, and I don’t know how long time that will take. But what I do know is that a new man in my life will not “fix” this at the moment, fix my mind and soul. My heart, I think my heart is actually fine, because I was never heartbroken to be dropped off in Spain, just in a very big shock.

This Easter I did started to paint the pain, my not to good experiences when it comes to a relationship. I’m going to show you when it’s finish, but it will take a bit time before it’s finished. It’s a bit painful process to paint at the same time an incredible relief feeling too.

Of course I do think about my “why” I wanted to date and hopefully get into a relationship again, but I don’t know at the moment if my “why” is worth it. And I do know that it’s not worth to be in a relationship if it’s like my experiences are.

So that’s why I don’t date, and are not “looking” for a boyfriend and relationship, because I’m worried and scared, and it was not worth it.

Time will show what’s happens, and if I’m changing my mind when it comes to boyfriend and relationship, and if I manage to resett my heart, soul and mind 🌹. But at the moment I’m here I’m and that’s fine, I’m fine 🌹.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Fixing a broken heart- finish painted by me in 2016.

My experiences from a relationship are not the best, I know that. And it’s actually not my heart that’s broken, I think my heart is very good 🧡. But my experiences that are in my mind and soul still need time to be resett before I will be able to think and believe that a relationship can be different from my experiences 🌹.

#experiences #differences #imagenation #love #unconditionallove #relationship #treatment #dating resettmyself #challenges #changes

I’m not currently dating,- and it’s my choice 🌹

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

I’m not currently dating, and it’s a time since I actually did date, and also was “looking” for a date. And I’m very fine with that. I actually don’t miss dating or being in a relationship. Because in my mind I do understand the “dating- concept” as you meet up with someone because you want, and hopefully will get a serious relationship together with this person. Both are interested in each other,- that’s why it is a date. It’s not sure this “understaning” is correct. It’s just the way I understand the “dating- concept”.

But I need to admit that for a period I actually thought that I miss dating, miss being in a relationship, and missed a boyfriend in my life. But the truth is I did miss an imagination, and not my reality when it comes to relationships. But my imagination over how a relationship can or should be.

I deleted the dating app Tinder in October/ November 2019, and haven’t regret that so fare. But I was “tired” of the “dating” before I deleted the app. It didn’t gave me very much, to be honest. Like relationships haven’t given me to much either. To be fair,- it’s my last “long term- serious” relationship that’s “freshest” in my mind, and also where many of my not to good experiences when it comes to relationships are “build on”. Natural enough, but also maybe unfortunately?

And it’s actually more the 7 years since that relationship ended- something I’m very grateful for 🙏, but still it has “marked” my mind and soul in a bit negative direction and with a bit negative thoughts and experiences when it comes to dating and relationship.

I have met some nice dates during the lasts years, but also some strange dates. But that’s not the reason why I have made a choice and decision to not date for a while.

Dating didn’t gave me very much, or to use the dating app and “try” to find a date, a date that’s also maybe would became to a serious relationship after a while.

Maybe I’m not a “nettdating- person”? Maybe I need to met a man in “the real life” and not during a “switch left or right” app? I know it’s different dating- app’s, not just like the way Tinder is in “function”. But still I don’t think nettdating is something for me.

It’s not just that I’m not a “nettdating- person” that made me choose to not date for a while, but also because I know I need to resett my self when it comes to dating and relationship. Really resett my self. Maybe I manage to do it, maybe not. I don’t know, I don’t even know if I’m going out there in the “dating and relationship” world again either. And it’s fine. I’m fine with that.

I have thought a bit over why I wanted to date at that time I was a bit “busy” with that. And for me it was about attention, be attracted and became attracted of, intimacy and sex, hopefully feel “close” to an other man both mentally as well as psychic, meet someone to share different things and stuffs in life together with, someone to have different experiences together with as well as do things and stuffs together with, feel “connected” together with, someone “special” and be “special” for, feel butterflies in my stomach and some extra heartbeats too, just because of that man and the feelings I had for him, to feel important for someone, to miss someone as well as be missed, and probably a bit more I don’t remember anyone and at the moment 😊.

But the reality, my reality is that I haven’t actually very much real experiences from this, this thoughts about how I think a relationship is “in function”. My own experiences when it comes to, special relationships, are not like my “dreams and imaginations”, if I can call it that. Because my dreams and imagination about a relationship is “my why” I wanted to date and be in a relationship, but the truth is, my truth and my experiences and my reality is not very similar with my imagination.

My experiences from a relationship are actually something I don’t want to go through again. And we date because we want to meet someone that’s makes us feel “comfortable”, feel happy and happiness, joy and love and so on. We in general dates because of “my why” I wanted to date.

So I made a decision for more then over 1,5 years ago that I don’t want to date. I don’t want to date before all of me, my heart, my mind, my soul are ready for dating and ready for the commitments and the responsibility a relationship has. I need to really resett my mind, my heart and my soul first. And I have no idea how long time my “resett- process” will take. Maybe “forever”? I don’t know, and that’s fine 😊.

And it’s actually a good feeling to say “Thank you, but No Thank you, I’m not dating at the moment”, when someone asks me out for a ice tea or a coffee, a glass of wine or a lunch. And in general I don’t even get the question “why not”, and to be honest, it’s actually no one’s “business” either why I don’t date. It’s my choice, and I’m very fine and comfortable with my choice too 😊. And I’m very relaxed with my choice as well, when it comes to this “currently not dating” 😊. And I’m actually not even sure it’s worth it, – the dating and relationship,- to expose myself to maybe get the same experiences again when it comes to relationships.

Like I have mention before,- when or if I’m want to date again and want a serious relationship I can but out an “vaccination available” in my blog 😅. We see what’s happen there in the future 😊.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

My imagination about how a relationship should be and my reality about how a relationship is,- is two very different things 🥀.

My imagination about how a relationship should be and my reality about how a relationship is,- is two very different things 🥀. So that’s why I have chosen to not date for awhile,- I need to resett my self, my mind, my soul, my heart before I maybe start dating again 😊. And I’m very relaxed with my decision about not dating 😊.

#dating #relationship #relaxed #decision #mychoice #resettmyself #experiences #differences #imagenation #thougths #feelings #choices

She did “design” it, I made it 😊👗🧶

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like some of you know I like to knit,- and I have actually knit since I was 12 years old. And I did knit the first baby clothes to my children too. Their first clothes they used from the hospital and home 🤱.

I have knit a lots of different clothes to my children during the years when they was younger. But when they became older “mammi’s” knit clothes was not so popular for a while. Which was okay for me, I understood that 😊.

But when they became young adults I asked again if they wanted or needed some knit clothes. My oldest son wanted some different sweaters, my middle son didn’t want to much, and not my daughter either, before recently 😊.

I have actually asked her a couple of time if she wanted to draw something she wanted me to knit for her, because she is both creative and she draw very good. ( Im probably not very natural- of course , I think her drawings are good 🥰). But the interest has not been to big before she did see some knit clothes on a social media channel 🧶. Then she asked me if I could knit something for her, – and of course I wanted 🥰.

So she did made me a drawing over what she wanted me to knit, we bought the yarn together so she got the colours she wanted, and she moved out….and I forgot to take good to measure how far, wide and so on by her before she moved out 😳.

So I have actually tried my very best to knit “by my head” as well and asked her during the knit “process” how long and so on.

I need to say the results was not to bad at all,- and she was quite happy too 🥰. And I liked it too. I hope she will ask me again to do something like this for and to her😊.

My daughter in her new knit clothes- “designed” by her, and made by me 🧶

Not to bad at all 🥰. I know it was not the most “complicated” clothes to knit, but I’m a bit proud over the result, – and it suits my daughter so perfect 🥰.

My daughter’s drawing, and that’s what I knot this clothes from- nothing more 🧶

I also made her a tights too. Design by me and made by me. I have actually knit 6 different tights this winter. Two to a friend, three to my self and one to my daughter 🧶. They are so nice to use during the cold winter- time. Soft, warm and comfortable.

So when she visited me this weekend she got a different things and stuffs with her in her back- bag to her apartment 😊. Some knit clothes and some homemade food as well 😊. And of course it was incredible great to see her again and give her some good hugs as well 😊.

I was very excited how her skirt and top would suit her, special because I haven’t very much else to knit from and by then a drawing and my mind. But we are both very happy with the finish product. Good teamwork 😊.

It has been a very nice, relaxing and cozy weekend with some “luxury” for my self, and incredibly nice visit from my daughter 🥰.

I hope your weekend has brought you some happiness and joy too 🧡.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

My daughter in her new knit clothes- skirt, top- “designed” by my daughter, and a tights “designed” by me – and it all made by me 😊🧶.

My daughter asked me if I could knit some clothes to her 🧶,- and I asked her if she could draw to me what she wanted me to make 😊. So more and less with just a drawing and my mind I made a nice summer outfit to her 🥰. Good teamwork by daughter and mammi with a good result too 😊.

#teamwork #motheranddaugther #mydaugther #knitting #create #creative #inspiration #imagenation #knit #homemadedesign #oneofakind #drawing #summeroutfit #madewithlove

The process of making the glass bottles ready for painting 🎨🧽

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like some of you know I got a bit of winebottles from Natasja, but before I can start working with them and start painting, the bottles need to be clean for everything. No wine rest in the bottom, no paper, no metal. They need be totally empty and clean, and that’s a tiny bit of a process too, but a process I don’t mind to do, because I know after I’m finish I can have so much fun painting on the winebottles 🎨.

I just want to share and show you how I do this. It’s not difficult, but it can take a bit of time now and then. Special because of the different wine etiquette on the bottle, where the name and information about the wine stand. This one can sometimes take a bit time to remove. It depends a bit what kind of paper and glue the wine fabric has used.

The winebottles after the “cleaning process “- upside down so I’m sure all the water dryers out.

I need to be sure all the water is gone, and the bottles are dry inside before I can start painting. If not some not to nice “suprices” can “show up” after a while, like bad smell or even something strange growing up 😊. So I let the bottles stand upside down for a while before I start working with them.

But before I’m “there” I need to was and clean a bit 🧽😊.

Bottles ready to be clean up and remove “all and everything”. Bottles in water so the etiquette it’s easier to remove, and they also will be clean inside. And the first “dry- process before I put them in my basket 🧺.

In a way I have my own “winebottle ” process, but not for the wine, for the painting 🎨.

When the bottle is dry, totally dry, the painting can starts. And then the painting needs to dry a bit before I can continue, and after a while I have some finish painted glassbottles as you can see on the last, long photo 🎨.

My cleaning process to make the glassbottles ready for painting is probably not the most “exciting” process, at least not to read about 😅. But for me this is a part of the painting process so I can create and be creative. And already under the “cleaning process” I get different imagination about different illustrations I want to paint on the different glassbottles 😊.

So my scratch book is in general not to fare away from me either, so I can scratch down some of my ideas- in case I forget them. In general I actually don’t do that. Mostly I do the “scratching” because I need to “try out” my imagination and illusion and see how I can create this on a painting or a glassbottle. But most of the times the illustrations just “are there” in my mind when I’m starting to paint 😊.

My scratch book and just some very few of my scratches/ ideas that’s drops into my mind when I’m not painting 😊🎨.

Maybe not the most interesting and exciting text you have reading by me, but for me it felt a bit important to share with you a part of the process for the glassbottles I’m painting on, because I actually can’t paint at them “like they are”,- or I could probably do that too, but the result has become a bit different then. And I always spray paint the bottles at the end when they are finished painting.  I use oil paint so it lasts a long time, but the glass bottles get a finer gloss, and can withstand a little more when I finish with transparent and clear spray paint.

So now you know a bit of my “glassbottles- process” before they are finish and ready for “use” or given away as a present to someone I care about 🎁🧡.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Glassbottles ready to be created with colours and illustrations, imagine and a tiny “part of me” too 😊

I can’t start painting on a glassbottle before I have cleaned it up a bit 🧽. And the glassbottles needs to stand a bit “upside down” too before I can start painting. I have my own tiny “process” to “make” them ready 😊. I’m, in my own way, enjoying this “get ready for painting” process, even it’s a bit of a boring process too 😅 🎨.

#glassbottle #winebottle #create #creative #myart #art #oneofakind #imagenation #inspiration #cleaningprocess #process #gettingreadyforpainting scratchbook #ideas #illustration 🎨

Oh, I got more glassbottles and I didn’t need to drink the wine either 🍾🥂😊

Hi ❣It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like some of you know I like to paint on glassbottles like for example winebottles, beerbottles , cavabottles and a bit more 🎨. But since I don’t drink different kinds of alcohol very much myself I can have a tiny challenge to actually get different kinds of glassbottles to paint on 🍾.

My daughter did actually had a back bag with her on the New Year Party she was at in the new year evening 2020/ 2021😅. And brought home different kinds of glassbottles to me 😊. But my basket with glassbottles are starting to get empty again 😳. Then what to do?Start drinking a lot or send my daughter to a new party with a back bag on her back? Or actually invite my best friend Natasja to visit me and ask her to bring some empty winebottles from her cafe in La Cala? 😍 I invited Natasja 😊.

Look at my soon empty glassbottles basket 😳😊

It’s not totally true that I actually invited Natasja to visit me so I could get more winebottles. It’s over 3 months since we had met, and I really do miss her. And at the moment the city borders are open, so I invited her to visit me for a nice chatt before the Easter is showing up and the city borders are closing down again for the Easter. And I also wanted to give her the glassbottles I have painted to her 🎨. Hopefully we can met up a bit more then every 3 month after the Easter 🥰.

It was after I had invited her it actually did dropped my mind that maybe she could have some empty glassbottles of different kinds after her guests in her cozy cafe. And she had,- actually a bag of empty glassbottles to bring me 😊. And PS,- if you are in Spain and La Cala, – it’s worth to visit the cafe Case Barella for some great and tasty food, good drinks and a very cozy atmosphere 🍔🍷.

I’m very happy for all the empty glassbottles I got from Natasja, but I’m more grateful for the visit 🥰. It was so nice to see her again, hug her, chatt up, just spend some really good quality time together 😊.

It’s strang how this corona- situation has changed out social needs. Not the habits, but our needs. Our social habits are in so many ways controlled by different restrictions, something that also, of course, changes our social needs. But I should think and believe that we would get an ever stronger and bigger need to “meet up” when we had the chance? But it’s actually not quite like that for many people. It’s, unfortunately, the opposite. For many, including me, and some of my friends too, it’s more difficult to “move my ass” from my sofa and home and socials then it was before the corona- situation.

I’m not sure why it’s became like this, because it maybe should be, like I mention, the opposite? It can be different reasons like use of mask, or worries for the coronavirus? I don’t know.

But I know I’m very grateful that Natasja wanted to visit me 🧡. It was so great to see her again and talk about about “all and everything”, and actually not to much about the coronavirus. It’s really good to take a break from that “subject” now and then. And we are good to take a break from it and find some other, better and more interesting subjects to talk about instead 😊. I’m so grateful for having her in my life and for this vist and “timeout” 🥰.

And now I can take my own break too from the “corona- situation” and “drop” down in more winebottles and paint and create and be creative 🎨.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Look at this,- a bag filled up with empty glassbottles or different kinds – just ready to get some new illustrations from me 🎨

My basket with glassbottles is starting to get empty, but after a lovely visit from one of my best friends my basket is filled up again with a lots of possibility for me to be creative 🎨. But the best thing was still the visit, a great “timeout” with good chatts, laughter and great conversations together with my friend 🥰.

#coronavirus #coronasituation #friends #friendship #timeout #visit #subject #winebottles #creative #create #imagenation #inspiration #illustrations #goodconversations #goodfriendship #feelinggrateful #feelinglucky #positivefocus 💚