Someone “has” “Friday the 13th”, I think I “had” “Monday the 13th” 😳

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

First of all I need to say I had a really great time together with my friend from Norway 🥰. It was good to see her again and “chat up” after so long time 🥰. And I hope I will get some more guests from Norway during the summer, but first of all I need to sort out some private challenges and issues.

For some people Friday the 13th is a kind of unlucky day,- but for me I think it’s Monday the 13th. Or maybe not unlucky, but challenges. In Spain it’s Tuesday the 13th, or some say also Monday the 13th, that is the “famous unlucky day”- so I’m actually not sure what’s correct. For me it feels more like it’s Monday the 13th that is a day that have this “touch” of this unlucky stuff.

Anyway,- I need to admit this day haven’t quite been my favourite day today. Actually it has been a day with different uncomfortable feelings. So I do feel it has been a bit like a “unlucky the 13th….Monday “.

My private computer collapsed, there’s no life in it no matter what I’m trying to do. That’s not to good, because I do my freelance work on that one,- a job I’m a bit financially dependent on having a while ahead. And I can’t buy a new one at the moment either because…..

…..also today all our things and stuffs suddenly was delivered on my door. I was not prepared for that one, and not my wallet either 😳. And I was really not prepared for the mental and emotional reaction either- that one was really hard. It was hard to “get” our life in Norway after so long time “delivered” on my door. Our past, memories- a lots of great and good memories,- but it’s because of bad memories and experiences all our things are here now. And I was not prepared it was so much things and stuffs either.

I’m very grateful my oldest son is “just around the corner”- because it became a bit to much for me to handle alone today- emotions, thoughts, feelings and worries, tears, so many tears,- and how to manage pay for this? I had a plan- but that one did work out. I haven’t payed for it yet- and that doesn’t feel very good either. It shouldn’t come yet,- and now I feel a bit like I have stolen my own things and stuffs, and past. Not a very good feeling that one either. Hopefully that feeling will past- and solutions showing and coming up too. And hopefully a solution will come very soon. I’m really trying to find a solution.

Luckily there’s different things we can sell- but how fast will it be possible to sell them?

I should also pay for the water to day, but that wasn’t easy to do. A old house with a old payment system, and they couldn’t find my home or the water bill in the system- that one felt very uncomfortable too. Will they turn off the water now? I really don’t hope so.

And then it’s also a strike in my job today at the customer service senter. Strike for higher salaries. I’m very agree that we need to get a bit better / higher salary,- but still it feels a bit like I have done that one illegal today- to not log me on the phone and do my job. I can’t say I felt it was like a great day off from work- more like a day where “all and everything” just “happen”, things I didn’t wanted or wished for to happen. I don’t like to be away from my job when it’s not because of holiday or illness or a legal approved appointment I have and have the right to be away from my job. I didn’t enjoy this day off from work at all for. It feels like i’ve skipped my job today, something I don’t like. So hopefully at least the salary will be higher- but I don’t know.

If it’s something that really stressing me out it’s when I don’t have the overview over the economy. I thought I slowly was getting there now- but with this computer crash, not be able to pay the water bill and also for our things and stuffs- phu- it’s stressing me a bit. And no- at the moment I have no overview over the situation at all.

In one way of course this day also was a good day just because of the reason that our things and stuffs from Norway actually are here now after so many, many years in Norway. And I know that,- but I need to admit that today I have a tiny challenge to see that and feel that. Feel happy and grateful- I feel most sad. Really , really sad, and I do cry too.

At the same time I also was “off from my job” today because of the strike when suddenly all our things was “standing” there. If I have been working I haven’t been able to take them. So maybe something with this day have a kind of meaning, I just don’t see it all yet 😊.

When I have got a bit more control and economic overview it will be better. It will feels better,- but today I’m not ready for any nice and great holiday guests from Norway- but I will be- I just need a tiny bit of time to sort things out a bit first 😊. The economic situation and when I don’t have the control and overview and don’t see the solutions- I don’t like that, it’s stressing me. Even I know it’s not “the end of the world”- it feels a bit like that for me.

And of course I know for many people my day, my unlucky Monday the 13th, and this different experiences and challenges doesn’t feel so much and so big and so challenged- and I understand that- but for me it feels like a tiny mountain with (money) challenges around me today.

And then just to “top it a bit more” my television stopped loading, the chrome caster didn’t wanted to cast, and I suddenly didn’t have any access to my blog either 😅. But both of that ones are fixed now. But of course then even tiny little small things that goes wrong can feel like a tiny mountain to move, and to get things correct again.

And I needed to write this today,- not for complaining- even I know I’m doing that- but in a way write a kind of distance to the things that’s feels a bit challenging and difficult today. And to be honest,- I do feel a bit more calm down then for just a tiny while ago- even I still not have any solutions or overview. I’m actually grateful for the strike today so I was able to take our things and stuffs into my home. And of course I’m grateful for that the things actually are here. And hopefully solutions will come for my private computer, the water bill and the payment for our things too.

Thank you so much for just letting me “squeeze a bit out” on “the paper” today- it helped a bit to be honest 🧡

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you as soon as possible 😊

I’m trying to smile as best as I can- but I do feel a bit chaotic inside me today 😊

For some Friday the 13th is a unlucky day, for me it felt a bit like Monday the 13th was a bit uncomfortable day, with a touch of some lucky stuffs. But at the same time touched with some things, happenings, feelings, thoughts and emotions I was not prepared for- lucky ones at the same time as it feels a bit challenging too.

#mondaythe13th #fridaythe13th #challenges #overview #economy #plans #prepred #feelings #thougths #emotions #worries #thepast #memories #lifegoeson #solutions #possibilities

The “captivating” gentleman 🎩😳

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

I did write about “the gentleman” in my last post,- and some years ago, in Norway, I met a “captivating” gentleman- and “captivating” in not a good and positive way….after a while. In the beginning, around the first 6 months I was treated like a woman, like a princess by a gentleman, closely every time we met. He did follow the “descriptions” for what a gentleman is and how he should be and behave.. And I need to admit I really did like it. I really enjoyed it to be treated like that.

But I didn’t enjoyed the changes so much, they made me actually very uncomfortable, unsure and confused. He wasn’t to happy with me, and wanted to change me, fix me. And I really did try, did follow the different things and recommendations he ment I needed to work with and do. But it was hard, I lost myself in all this “fixing” and it took a bit of a while to “find” “me” again. “The me” I did like before I meet him. And I lost the faith and believe in men, the gentleman, relationship.

It just took a bit of time for me to get distance from the not very nice gentleman I met many years ago.  Or that’s actually not correct- the man/ gentleman I manage to get distance to fast- but not the way he treated me. It took me a long time to get distance to that.  And it took even more time for me to forgive myself for  let this not very nice gentleman treat me the way he did. And also get this believe back- in “the gentleman”, the nice and caring gentleman, not the captiving😊.

Like I mention in one of my post the Autumn 2021,- the mental destroying is so much more difficult to explain and “show” to other people. To explain how it’s actually feels to be in a mental destroying situation and relationship. And my daughter went through something similar during last year as well. And she had an very good description how she felt to be together with someone how destroy you mentally- “it’s like he stole my life”.

I felt it closely in the same way, but also like I was in a kind of prison, chained with insecurity, low self-esteem, imprisoned inside even though I was out and free, I no longer felt free – just scared and watched. I felt so little, so small, so worthless, and so shameful because I didn’t had the courage to end the relationship either. I felt weak, useless. I felt mostly like everything was wrong with me. I felt like a horrible person. My clothes, the way I was happy, the way I talked in the phone, the way I made food…and more was wrong with me and needed to be fixed.

The changes from feeling be loved and liked unconditional for who I was, to not be good enough in so many things was difficult.

So instead of trying to explain I did paint. And it felt like this, and it feels like this when I remember back:

To be “Impriosend”- can you see little scared me in the painting?

I should probably had some professional help and advice from a psychologist after the breakup with this “captivating gentleman”, – but I did not quite know how to deal with it.  None of what I felt, thought about myself was shown on me, just inside me. And it’s so difficult to explain too.  And the few times I had tried to talk to some few friends about this in Norway I was rejected – “he seemed so handsome, nice, kind, yes, like a gentleman” 🎩.

I think this “healing process” from this relationship, this “Impriosend gentleman” maybe had happen a bit faster for me with professional help,- so I have reccomend my daughter to get professional help from a psychologist to help to deal with her experiences during the last year. And hopefully “recover” faster then I did.

Me- don’t know what to do, where to go, what to tell or how to explain.

I don’t want her to have the same challenges inside her like I had for so many years. I can’t help her the same way as a professional psychologist can. I can just be her mammi, love her unconditional and take as good care of her as I can.

Luckily I “landed” in Spain, even the “landing” in Spain was the way it was- with a crash landing ☄. Because I was in a really dark place during the last months when I was living in Norway.

The first time I really open up for how the relationship was and what it had done to my heart, soul, thoughts, mind was to Natasja and she didn’t rejected me, she did listen, asked questions and listen and listen for years 🧡.

And suddenly something has happen inside me during the lasts weeks- its like a big bobble that just on it’s own way “explode” and suddenly I felt free- free from my destruction and destroying thoughts, free from not best experience in life together with not the best gentleman in the world, and Im ready to “move on” with my life 😊.

I have been able to Forgive myself for not the best choice of a man in my life, and also accept the fact that – that’s life- that’s in the past, I  can’t do anything about it. I can just move on 😊. But it hasn’t been easy- to get rid of the shame that I could be so weak and excepted to be treated like that, and the bad mental treatment takes a bit time to get distance to, and recover from. And it’s difficult to explain and “show”.

I’m not sure if it’s the conversation with Natasja or the fact that my children are not angry because I chose to be together with a gentleman like him, and went into “a dark place” for a period? Or the fact that the years, the time just goes by? You get distance to different things as the times goes by. Or the painting? Or what’s happen to my daughter during this Autumn?

It doesn’t matter- the most important thing for me now it’s this feeling that I did in my own way manage to explain how it feels to be in a mental destroying relationship. I don’t need to explain anything anymore- I can just show and share the painting,- and hopefully most people will understand. It’s like I painted the bad feelings “off” me, and placed them on the canvas instead. Moved them to the canvas. Can that make any sense?

And,- To the end of the day- it is what it is. It’s in the past- and I’m here in the present on the way to my future -every day 😊. And it’s feels like “Breaking free”- I’m going to show you that one in my next post 😊.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

It’s so incredibly good to not feel this inside me anymore 😊

To explain and “show” how it can feels inside you when you go through, and are in a mental destructive and destroying relationship is very difficult. No one can “see” how you are inside you, the feelings, thoughts. So I did try to paint “it all”- and hopefully the painting is an “explanation” enough.

#experiences #differences #emotions #feelings #thougths #destroying #destructive #mentalhealth #mental #challenges #changes #explanation #relationship #thepast