Is it worth it? ❤💘💔

Hi ❣It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like I mention in my post “ I’m currently not dating….” it’s because of my experiences when it comes to dating and even more when it comes to relationships. And I know I need to resett my self a bit, a bit more then I actually thought.

I haven’t lost the faith in love and relationship, because I see both family and friends around me have great relationships. Functional relationships build on a bit different things then my last relationship was. So I know it’s possible to have a healthy and loving relationship with the correct person and partner.

I may seem bitter, critical and cynical when it comes to love and relationships – but I’m not really.  I see that it all, my attitude to relationships, is based on my own experiences, and not necessarily what for most couples and relationships is a reality. I’m just worried the reality I have, my experienc, when it comes to relationship is going to be a reality and truth for me one more time,- and I know I can’t handle that one more time. It takes so much time and energy to just be “here” I’m now, and I have still some steps left to walk.

To be “here” I’m now has took me over 7 years, and there’s still things that’s make me want to throw up when I think about relationship, and I know I’m not ready to handle different “challenges” a relationship can gives, yet.

I’m not interested to be in a relationship now. I need to resett my self, my mind, soul and heart before that can be a “issue” again.

I’m not interested to have all the differents commitments it’s obviously necessary to have when you are in a relationship.

I’m not interested to be treated so bad as I has been in relationship anymore. I’m not interested to give so much from my self and get so little back. I’m not interested in all the different “restrictions” , claim and demand there is in a relationship. I’m not interested to be told all the different things I’m doing wrong. All from what kind of clothes I’m very, complains about the food I’m making or what wrong store I did bought it in. I’m not interested to listen to all the things that are wrong with me and all the different kinds of treatment I need to have so I can be “correct”.

I’m not interested to feel so totally alone anymore. I was and felt more alone, lonely and lonesome in that relationship than I have ever been, and then I’m now when I’m actually alone, now when it’s just me. I actually lost the contact with my family and my friends during this relationship,- and I was totally alone too ( except from my children, I unfortunately, also manage to drag with me in this’ that’s incredibly painful to think about 😭 💔).

And I was scared too, and worried. I felt I had a big, big grey and heavy stone in my stomach. And I did cry a lot, but I had no one to go too.

I’m not interested to feel so miserable and confused anymore. Or so unsecured on closely everything. Myself, my work, my interests, my thoughts, my body, my health, my mental mind, my clothes, my habits. I don’t want to feel so totally alone and failed in “all” different areas of life.

I’m not interested to be and feel monitored and looked after.  Be called a liar, or hear that I have no heart – or if I’m so lucky to have a heart, it’s full of black holes. I’m not interested to hear I’m stupid, and “something needs to be wrong with me”, and go to many different treatments to be “fixed” 😳.

I’m not interested to be “brainwashed” one more time. I’m not interested to feel like I’m drawing in a ice cold dark ocean when I’m standing on land in the sunshine.

A relationship for me was to many demands, expectations, pressures, hopes, disappointments, responsibilities, commitments and I did more and less most of this “all the time” wrong too, just in case. I was happy in the wrong way, I was sad in the wrong way, I “did” the relationship- commitment wrong. But when all comes to all,- nothing of this, my experiences is love or unconditional love. It’s “power” and control over an other person. I know that.

But this is my private and personal experience from a boyfriend and to be in a relationship. And in my head I know this kind of treatment in a relationship (or actually general for all treatment of people) is not love, it’s not about the respect for another person.

I know many has other and more positive experiences to be in a relationship then I have. I can’t just find, feel or remember very much positive with a relationship. But,- the good thing is,- I still have an imagination of a good, loving and healthy relationship- I can “work for” when or if I’m going to be ready for a boyfriend and a relationship again.

But to be honest,- it’s not worth it for me, not when I think, feel and do remember how it was to be in a relationship, how it was to be together with a boyfriend. It’s not worth it,- to feel so incredibly miserable closely all the time. At least not at the moment, maybe never, to go through this again.

I probably sounds bitter, but I’m not. I just know that this is my life and I don’t want to have something like that in my life ever again. I’m lucky- lucky that was dropped off in Spain, if not I don’t think I have been here today.

I really need to resett my self, and I don’t know how long time that will take. But what I do know is that a new man in my life will not “fix” this at the moment, fix my mind and soul. My heart, I think my heart is actually fine, because I was never heartbroken to be dropped off in Spain, just in a very big shock.

This Easter I did started to paint the pain, my not to good experiences when it comes to a relationship. I’m going to show you when it’s finish, but it will take a bit time before it’s finished. It’s a bit painful process to paint at the same time an incredible relief feeling too.

Of course I do think about my “why” I wanted to date and hopefully get into a relationship again, but I don’t know at the moment if my “why” is worth it. And I do know that it’s not worth to be in a relationship if it’s like my experiences are.

So that’s why I don’t date, and are not “looking” for a boyfriend and relationship, because I’m worried and scared, and it was not worth it.

Time will show what’s happens, and if I’m changing my mind when it comes to boyfriend and relationship, and if I manage to resett my heart, soul and mind 🌹. But at the moment I’m here I’m and that’s fine, I’m fine 🌹.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Fixing a broken heart- finish painted by me in 2016.

My experiences from a relationship are not the best, I know that. And it’s actually not my heart that’s broken, I think my heart is very good 🧡. But my experiences that are in my mind and soul still need time to be resett before I will be able to think and believe that a relationship can be different from my experiences 🌹.

#experiences #differences #imagenation #love #unconditionallove #relationship #treatment #dating resettmyself #challenges #changes

Hormone balance changes 🤯😊

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

The hormone balance changes too in my body, but I need to admit I haven’t struggled very much with that one yet, except from this “hot nights” 😊.

My eggs are a bit more “grumpy”, something that makes me a bit more “grumpy” too, now and then. But to be honest, now when I’m alone, living alone, I don’t feel so much this irritating “grumpiness” inside me. Maybe because there’s no around me to be “grumpy” on? 🤔 So I feel my mood is a bit stable, but it’s not sure it is like that 😅. I have no one around me on daily basis to “check out” my mood,- and maybe that’s a good thing at the moment? 😊

My period is “slowing down” too. I still have my period and it’s still coming regular, but it last just a few days now and I’m don’t bleeding so much either anymore.

I have mixed feelings about losing my period, but I had also very mixed feelings when I got my period. So it’s maybe natural to have some mixed feelings around this?

When I got my period I felt so sad that I needed to have this bleeding and pain in my stomach 5 days every month “forever” 😔. But after a while I got use to it. Now I’m in a way looking forward to don’t have this pain in my stomach and the bleeding too, at the same time I have some thoughts about what changes my body will go through to loose my period, and how this can or will affect my “sexual feelings and needs”?

The estrogen is slowing down and then also the sexual feelings and needs can and will slow down too. I actually don’t like that thought.

But if or when this is or should happen, there’s solutions for “keep up the heat in my vagina”. But,- yes, of course I have some thoughts about this,- maybe special because I’m single?

I also had discharge from my vagina before, but I do not see it that much anymore.  And I’m actually not quite sure when it slowed down.  A year ago?  5 years ago?  I have no idea 🤔.  I have not thought much about it either, until now when I think and write about hormones, and various changes in the body, my body.

And sometimes I get such a “milky feeling” in my breast.  As I often got when I was pregnant and when I was breastfeeding.  Like “chest burst”. But it does not last long, and is not a problem or something to complain about.

My bladder has behaved well, I have not had a urinary infection for a long time. But I also drink a little ginger tea occasionally to cleanse my “internal system”.  And the bladder keeps tight, no leaks. I have read about that “leaks” can be a challenge when you get older,- but so fare so good 😊. I think I’m not “old enough” to get any “leaks”, but at the same time I know some women in my age has some challenges with leaks. Hopefully I will manage to “keep tight” “forever” 😊. At least for many years 😊.

I have also felt incredibly bad a couple of times when I have been at my walks. Actually a kind of sick, but still not sick. This hasn’t happened to many times, but I actually needed to sit down and just “put myself together” a bit before I continue my walks.

I can’t actually explain the feeling, it was just physical bad in all my body. I know this “I feel, bad and sick” feeling can drop by too during menopause. Hopefully it would not drop by to many times, because it was not a very good feeling.

I know that there are different solutions and “treatments” if menopause gets to hard and to bad.  There are several natural / alternative treatments, and there are hormone cures.  I know many women are skeptical of hormone regimens because this can trigger different types of cancer.  At the same time, it is possible to go for regular medical examinations for cancer check-ups.

I feel it’s to early for me in the menopause- process to even think about different kinds of treatments, alternative or hormone cures. But I’m actually not a stranger to trying either alternative treatments or hormone cures, should it become challenging, both physically and mentally in menopause.

So fare it is what it is, and not with the biggest challenge actually,- except from the “water falls” some nights, and that couple of times I actually thought I was going to past out on my walks. Because that one was…phu….not good.

But like I have mention before,- I’m just in the beginning of the menopause, and the different menopause changes and challenges are also different from women to women too 😊.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Just olives as a symbol for “hormones dance” or “hormone balance” and the menopause 🤯😊

I’m just in the beginning of menopause and so fare the hormones are more and less in “balance and stabil” 😊. But if they give me to much troubles I’m not strange of trying different kinds of treatments to get “easier days” 😊.

#menopause #midlife #lifeexperiences #changes #challenges #gettingolder #Norwegian #livinginspain #lifeis #hormonebalance #treatment #thelife #newflowringinlife 🌹