Is it worth it? ❤💘💔

Hi ❣It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

Like I mention in my post “ I’m currently not dating….” it’s because of my experiences when it comes to dating and even more when it comes to relationships. And I know I need to resett my self a bit, a bit more then I actually thought.

I haven’t lost the faith in love and relationship, because I see both family and friends around me have great relationships. Functional relationships build on a bit different things then my last relationship was. So I know it’s possible to have a healthy and loving relationship with the correct person and partner.

I may seem bitter, critical and cynical when it comes to love and relationships – but I’m not really.  I see that it all, my attitude to relationships, is based on my own experiences, and not necessarily what for most couples and relationships is a reality. I’m just worried the reality I have, my experienc, when it comes to relationship is going to be a reality and truth for me one more time,- and I know I can’t handle that one more time. It takes so much time and energy to just be “here” I’m now, and I have still some steps left to walk.

To be “here” I’m now has took me over 7 years, and there’s still things that’s make me want to throw up when I think about relationship, and I know I’m not ready to handle different “challenges” a relationship can gives, yet.

I’m not interested to be in a relationship now. I need to resett my self, my mind, soul and heart before that can be a “issue” again.

I’m not interested to have all the differents commitments it’s obviously necessary to have when you are in a relationship.

I’m not interested to be treated so bad as I has been in relationship anymore. I’m not interested to give so much from my self and get so little back. I’m not interested in all the different “restrictions” , claim and demand there is in a relationship. I’m not interested to be told all the different things I’m doing wrong. All from what kind of clothes I’m very, complains about the food I’m making or what wrong store I did bought it in. I’m not interested to listen to all the things that are wrong with me and all the different kinds of treatment I need to have so I can be “correct”.

I’m not interested to feel so totally alone anymore. I was and felt more alone, lonely and lonesome in that relationship than I have ever been, and then I’m now when I’m actually alone, now when it’s just me. I actually lost the contact with my family and my friends during this relationship,- and I was totally alone too ( except from my children, I unfortunately, also manage to drag with me in this’ that’s incredibly painful to think about 😭 💔).

And I was scared too, and worried. I felt I had a big, big grey and heavy stone in my stomach. And I did cry a lot, but I had no one to go too.

I’m not interested to feel so miserable and confused anymore. Or so unsecured on closely everything. Myself, my work, my interests, my thoughts, my body, my health, my mental mind, my clothes, my habits. I don’t want to feel so totally alone and failed in “all” different areas of life.

I’m not interested to be and feel monitored and looked after.  Be called a liar, or hear that I have no heart – or if I’m so lucky to have a heart, it’s full of black holes. I’m not interested to hear I’m stupid, and “something needs to be wrong with me”, and go to many different treatments to be “fixed” 😳.

I’m not interested to be “brainwashed” one more time. I’m not interested to feel like I’m drawing in a ice cold dark ocean when I’m standing on land in the sunshine.

A relationship for me was to many demands, expectations, pressures, hopes, disappointments, responsibilities, commitments and I did more and less most of this “all the time” wrong too, just in case. I was happy in the wrong way, I was sad in the wrong way, I “did” the relationship- commitment wrong. But when all comes to all,- nothing of this, my experiences is love or unconditional love. It’s “power” and control over an other person. I know that.

But this is my private and personal experience from a boyfriend and to be in a relationship. And in my head I know this kind of treatment in a relationship (or actually general for all treatment of people) is not love, it’s not about the respect for another person.

I know many has other and more positive experiences to be in a relationship then I have. I can’t just find, feel or remember very much positive with a relationship. But,- the good thing is,- I still have an imagination of a good, loving and healthy relationship- I can “work for” when or if I’m going to be ready for a boyfriend and a relationship again.

But to be honest,- it’s not worth it for me, not when I think, feel and do remember how it was to be in a relationship, how it was to be together with a boyfriend. It’s not worth it,- to feel so incredibly miserable closely all the time. At least not at the moment, maybe never, to go through this again.

I probably sounds bitter, but I’m not. I just know that this is my life and I don’t want to have something like that in my life ever again. I’m lucky- lucky that was dropped off in Spain, if not I don’t think I have been here today.

I really need to resett my self, and I don’t know how long time that will take. But what I do know is that a new man in my life will not “fix” this at the moment, fix my mind and soul. My heart, I think my heart is actually fine, because I was never heartbroken to be dropped off in Spain, just in a very big shock.

This Easter I did started to paint the pain, my not to good experiences when it comes to a relationship. I’m going to show you when it’s finish, but it will take a bit time before it’s finished. It’s a bit painful process to paint at the same time an incredible relief feeling too.

Of course I do think about my “why” I wanted to date and hopefully get into a relationship again, but I don’t know at the moment if my “why” is worth it. And I do know that it’s not worth to be in a relationship if it’s like my experiences are.

So that’s why I don’t date, and are not “looking” for a boyfriend and relationship, because I’m worried and scared, and it was not worth it.

Time will show what’s happens, and if I’m changing my mind when it comes to boyfriend and relationship, and if I manage to resett my heart, soul and mind 🌹. But at the moment I’m here I’m and that’s fine, I’m fine 🌹.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

Fixing a broken heart- finish painted by me in 2016.

My experiences from a relationship are not the best, I know that. And it’s actually not my heart that’s broken, I think my heart is very good 🧡. But my experiences that are in my mind and soul still need time to be resett before I will be able to think and believe that a relationship can be different from my experiences 🌹.

#experiences #differences #imagenation #love #unconditionallove #relationship #treatment #dating resettmyself #challenges #changes

Is she struggling with me or is she just hugging me? 😅🤗

Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡

In just a couple of days my daughter is going to move to her own apartment in Malaga 🏠. She is ready to live on her own now- I hope. Well,- at least I can say she is doing incredible well after her not to good experience in December 2020, and she have now got an apartment in the same building as one of her best friends. Her friend lives just one floor below her. Something I’m happy for, but I’m also happy they are not going to live together. I think it’s a bit important that my daughter find her own tempo and dynamics in her life, as well as maybe it’s my time to at least try to find my own tempo and dynamics in my life too 😅.

I need to admit I’m very happy my daughter lives so close to her friend at the same time as they live separately. And yes,- I’m actually happy my daughter is ready to move back to Malaga and live on her own life as well.

Sounds maybe a bit awful for a mammi to say, special after what she was through, but it’s true. I’m looking forward to be just me….again ….hopefully for awhile now 😅. I have tried that a couple of times now,- thought I was start to live my own life, and just have the responsibility for just me and myself. It hasn’t quite been like that,- my children have obviously a tiny tenden to move back home to mammi…..for different reasons. And of course, – they are and will always be very welcome to stay with me for awhile when they need it ❤. But now I need a break from all this moving in and out for awhile 🏡.

I think my daughter is very ready to move out and live on her own too. So I actually asked her to write down what she is going to miss and what she’s not going to miss about living together with me, her mammi. And I have done the same. It’s not a bad list, it’s “just the way it is” list 😊. I think many parents with young adults children in their home have some similar thoughts, experiences and feelings around this “to live together with their young adults children” as I have.

I’m in one way so ready to just start to be me, but at the same time I have, like I mention in the post “The ticket to Madrid is now booked”, that it has not just been me that has kept my children in their hands, but they have in they very own way kept my hand so safety in their hands too.

This is changing now. And I know that this is the way it is, the way it needs to be for all four of us.

Me and my daughter,- I’m not sure if she’s struggling with me or if she’s hugging me 😅

My daughter’s list over “Will miss, will not miss” was supricely short. Mine was a bit longer 😅. Maybe that’s why she’s holding around me like she do? 😅

I’m actually looking forward to just take my own dish wash, and also know where to find all the glasses and plates. And I’m looking forward to just carry food on my back to myself and not two people. It’s a bit heavy to be honest. When this is said, – my daughter has taken the dish wash now and then, and also went to the food store together with me sometimes and helped me carry our food. But most of the time it has been just me.

I’m looking forward to not nag all the time about cleaning up, put the garbage in the garbage box, take the glasses and plates down from the bedroom, remove your socks, t- shirt, sweater from the sofa. Can you take the dish wash? Can you carry out the garbage? And so on… I don’t understand the mess, but I actually don’t think she see “the mess” in the same way I see her mess “here and there and everywhere”. I’m so looking forward to not live with to much mess around me 😅. It’s actually different “small things” in the daily life, but still it’s irritating things because we are in different levels in life, and see things in a bit different ways. And it’s probably irritated me much more then her this small daily things like the socks in the sofa or the glasses in her bedroom, and so on. And I’m looking forward to find my things and stuffs where I put them and not try to find them some other places 😅.

And then it is “the time” , my time will be different, it will probably be a bit more of it. Because when you share your home with someone you also share your time. Something that is in general a good and positive thing, but it is also good and positive to use the time on things that’s just your own, and have your own time in your own way. Or in this “case”,- my own way ( and my daughter’s way too ) 😊. Im looking forward to use more of my time to paint, knit, write, keep my home “in order”, and also proberly some more and other things too.

I’m going to miss her, no doubt about that❤. Miss her energy around me. Miss our “food- haunting” together, and our chatting. I’m going to miss her smile, to talk with her, laugh together eith her and hug her. And Im to miss her safety hand. Im going to miss her help in different online things and App’s I don’t understand. Im going to miss to be sourrende by her, at the same time as it’s great to get this distance from each other too now 😊.

My daughter is looking forward to have her own place, space and apartment. And be alone when she want, use her time on her own and focus on her self. And she also are looking forward to learn to make her own food, and learn to live her life in her own way. And she’s looking forward to not hear me nagging about things and stuffs she doesn’t see, like the socks in the sofa 😅.

I’m actually also looking forward to this things in my life. Also to for example make dinners with tomatoes and onions in 😅. As well as actually not make dinner for anyone else then myself.

Things my daughter is going to miss is me/ mammi, mammi’s food, dinner and lunches. And mammi’s love.

I’m very happy she feel loved by me, and that love will be there always, it will never change ❤.

But as you see,- my “not going to miss” list it’s a bit longer then my daughter’s list. Something I think it’s very normal and natural, because I’m a mammi. But,- now it’s time for the mammi role to change a bit, as well as the mammi/ daughter role too 😊. That’s the way it is when the children are growing up and out from the home 🏡.

I know my daughter loves me, and I know her time together with me has been very valued for both of us. And soon it’s time for some changes in life for both of us, and some new adventures and new experiences in life in different ways forms and ways 😊.

I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡 Thank you so much for using your time and dropping by my blog today 🧡

See you soon 😊

I love my love my daughter unconditional- and she knows it very well ❤.

In just a couple of days my daughter is moving out…..again….but this time it’s probably for awhile 🏡. I did ask her what she was looking forward and what she will miss with moving out from her mammi. For some reason my “list” was a bit longer on the “not going to miss” part then her’s 😅.

#unconditionallove #mammi #thelife #life #newexperiences #raisingup #growingup #gettingolder #movingout #mydaugther #youngadult #newadventures #mychildren #happiness #changes #challenges #positivefocus 💚